I was driving along in my car - I always do my best thinking in my car - when on the radio came a preacher talking about God's will. Specifically, are you willing to submit to God's will no matter what he asks of you. So my brain started thinking and I began to ponder what I have faith in. I'm not talking about a crisis of faith here. But more specific..... Let me back up.
Earlier this week Nolan was laying beside me in bed and I was telling him how this week I've felt like I was experiencing the first few days after loosing Asher all over again. He hugged, and stroked my hair and just held me for a long time. And then we talked some more and somewhere in the conversation he said
"I just don't know anything else to do, BUT trust God."
Then there was more talking and hugging. And then I finally had the courage to say out loud the burning question inside me.
"What if this baby dies too??", I said in the tiniest voice I own.
"I don't know." Came the reply. It was so humble, and so honest, and so perfect. Because I now know that I am not the only one saying over and over "I don't know."
Now fast-forward again to the car. I thought about what Nolan said about trusting God AND about what the radio preacher said about God's will. And I started to wonder what does it mean to trust God?? Because I know that He - in his divine wisdom and perfection - may allow this baby to die also. So what am I trusting in exactly?? I'm not trusting that everything will be perfect. It might. I pray it will. It is even likely. But.... there's always a 'but'. I'm still not entirely sure what it means to trust. To trust God in the midst of difficulty. To know that if He wanted to, he could make my path easy. But he didn't. He hasn't.
But God has loved me through it all. God has never left me in this mess by myself. So maybe that is what I am trusting.... that God will NEVER leave me. Will always catch my tears. But, somehow....... this doesn't seem enough. I want God to ride in on a white horse and save the day. Save me. And slaughter the enemy. And I know He has also promised to do this..... but vengeance of the Lord comes in his own time. So....maybe I'm being impatient???? Like I said, I still don't know yet. I only know I do trust God to be God. It still feels confusing.
While I was in the car another thought came to me. The Lord was not surprised by Asher's death. He's never surprised by our circumstances. And a funny scene played itself out in my head while I drove. Its funny to me because it DID NOT happen. Nothing catches God of guard. I'll leave you with it tonight.
God (sitting on his throne, smiling and enjoying the chorus of His angles, looks down and sees Asher.) "Dude! Asher! What are you doing here, man??!! I totally just finished knitting you together in your mother's womb!" What happened?? Listen, I don't have you scheduled to be here for another (looks at watch) 87 years, 43 days, 9 minutes and 12 seconds. Seriously, your parents are gonna freak if they find out I let this happen! You have to get ba....... see! That's them now!!! I hear 'em praying, they are really upset. Oh, man, I have to make a plan FAST!!!....................
No. This truly did not happen. I am thankful that NOTHING surprises God.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Monday, August 8, 2011
Grieving My Birth
A good birth experience. What does this mean?? To some women it is when a healthy, live baby is placed in their arms, with no regard to how it got there. Just the healthy baby. Isn't that enough to ask for?? Isn't that what we say?? "I don't care.... I just want my baby to be healthy." But to some mothers a good birth experience is something very different. It is a life altering experience. A strength and 'knowing' that transcends thought and bubbles up from a place long hidden until this moment. There becomes a depth to the contractions, surges that beckon to your innermost womanhood. Calling to that courage held deep in your soul. Your body responds to the call with a call of its own. The swaying of hips like the ocean tides and the deep guttural moaning which gives voice to the change taking place inside your soul. The change from a child to a woman. And, more often, the change from a wounded woman to one healed. There is pain, but there is also wondrous beauty. This is the birth I wanted. Still want. But I also want that healthy, live child.
I have spent almost 9 months grieving over loosing Asher, but I have spent no time grieving over my birth. I wanted a birth filled with joy. Instead a sonographer told me she needed to make an official record of my dead baby inside me. Instead a smiling Dr. shoved his non-dominant hand into my vagina. Twice. Once to check my cervix, and once to place the cervidil under it. After saying "Ow! Ow! Ow!" I looked up and he was smiling, telling me I was alright. I want to punch that man. Instead of laboring with my husband and my wonderful midwives in my warm home in a warm tub, I was at the hospital. Grabbing hold of the sink in a cold hard bathroom. With my lost-in-grief parents and in-laws. I didn't birth my child squatting or standing up, I was on my back, again. And two men who I had not met before that night lifted my dead baby up onto my chest and then one taught the other how to properly stitch up my vaginal tears. I wanted to scream "Don't touch me!" but I was too lost in my grief to stand up for myself. I can't believe a Dr. used the birth of my baby for a teaching moment. I can't believe how unfeeling they were during such a horrible moment. How can you possibly lift a dead baby out of a mother and not shed a tear. Not need a moment to compose yourself and ask to be excused.
To this day my throat closes up and I start to sweat when I have to go to Ball Hospital. The thought of going back there to birth this child sends chills up my spine and puts me in bad mood for days. I feel sick over it. I will not NOT go in the event of an emergency but it will seriously crush a part of me should I or the baby need to be there.
Part of me wants to have this baby alone. I want to birth so fast that there won't be time for anyone to get here. I want to hunker down in my own secret area and emerge triumphant with a glistening, newborn. I know that is probably not going to happen. And another part of me wants certain people there to share in the moment. I need to know that I can carry to term and birth a healthy, live child. I need to know this.
To some it probably seems shocking, even selfish, to want more than a crying infant in my arms. However I need to know. Labor pains dig down and build a new place for themselves inside your being, your core. They store themselves up, giving you the strength to move through the worst times in life. They say, "If you can handle us, you can handle the world."
I have spent almost 9 months grieving over loosing Asher, but I have spent no time grieving over my birth. I wanted a birth filled with joy. Instead a sonographer told me she needed to make an official record of my dead baby inside me. Instead a smiling Dr. shoved his non-dominant hand into my vagina. Twice. Once to check my cervix, and once to place the cervidil under it. After saying "Ow! Ow! Ow!" I looked up and he was smiling, telling me I was alright. I want to punch that man. Instead of laboring with my husband and my wonderful midwives in my warm home in a warm tub, I was at the hospital. Grabbing hold of the sink in a cold hard bathroom. With my lost-in-grief parents and in-laws. I didn't birth my child squatting or standing up, I was on my back, again. And two men who I had not met before that night lifted my dead baby up onto my chest and then one taught the other how to properly stitch up my vaginal tears. I wanted to scream "Don't touch me!" but I was too lost in my grief to stand up for myself. I can't believe a Dr. used the birth of my baby for a teaching moment. I can't believe how unfeeling they were during such a horrible moment. How can you possibly lift a dead baby out of a mother and not shed a tear. Not need a moment to compose yourself and ask to be excused.
To this day my throat closes up and I start to sweat when I have to go to Ball Hospital. The thought of going back there to birth this child sends chills up my spine and puts me in bad mood for days. I feel sick over it. I will not NOT go in the event of an emergency but it will seriously crush a part of me should I or the baby need to be there.
Part of me wants to have this baby alone. I want to birth so fast that there won't be time for anyone to get here. I want to hunker down in my own secret area and emerge triumphant with a glistening, newborn. I know that is probably not going to happen. And another part of me wants certain people there to share in the moment. I need to know that I can carry to term and birth a healthy, live child. I need to know this.
To some it probably seems shocking, even selfish, to want more than a crying infant in my arms. However I need to know. Labor pains dig down and build a new place for themselves inside your being, your core. They store themselves up, giving you the strength to move through the worst times in life. They say, "If you can handle us, you can handle the world."
Sunday, July 31, 2011
"Her."
To believe in a God who loves without discipline and is gratuitous without boundaries is to have a meager understanding of love that becomes a prostitution of it. When we cry out to God to change our circumstances, to take away our pain, He hears us. Yet, He loves us so deeply that he sometimes refuses to heal our wounds and, seeing the bigger picture, is unwilling to give us less of Himself. He has however promised to never, ever leave us. I am not alone in my pain, you are not alone in yours. God will not bring Asher back to me. That is a scar I will forever bare. But through this pain I have drawn closer to Christ. My faith does much more abound. I don't believe that loosing Asher was in any way discipline from God on our family, yet the Bible is clear, death came about because of sin. Death (and disease, and famine..ect) here on earth is the result of man's sin. I don't want to be a part of that. I don't want to contribute to the madness. Being a child of God, I strive for righteousness. It doesn't matter how good I am, until Christ comes back and hurls sin into the pit for all eternity, evil will run rampant. However, I will strive to shine God's light into the darkness, God's love into the despair and hurt of mankind. Sometimes I blow it. Sometimes, I don't.
I was thinking this week about why God chose me. What made him look down from his throne and say, "Her." Then God started showing me the bigger picture. He told me that once, long ago, he looked down and pointed to another woman. A woman who was, by our societies standards, barely a grown woman. He sent an angle down to say "You." And she was called blessed among women. She bore a son. But her son, he was beaten in front of her. He was slaughtered, maimed, mocked, spit on. He was nailed to a wooden cross and left to die. Because of sin. God choose Mary to bare and raise a son, only to watch him mercilessly whipped and murdered. Why her?? If God was pleased with Mary, for the Bible tells me so, why did he pick her?? Because in the big picture God gained more glory this way. Because that was the day that God chose to exact punishment on sin. Through His Holy, blameless, perfect Son came redemption for me. For my sin. For your sin. Because in the big picture its not about Mary, or me, it is about God. And in His story God wants to live with his children (us) forever in paradise. But He had to deal out discipline on evil. He had to punish sin so that I will live. To GOD be the glory.
I love this song, and I think it speaks to some of what I talked about.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Cornflowers and Queen Anne's Lace
I went out the the cemetery today, I didn't even realize that today is the 8 month marker. I just needed to be out there. My mom has tiger lilies growing by the side of her house so I cut some to take out there after I dropped Vera off. On the way I saw some Queen Anne's Lace and blue Cornflowers and decided to stop and cut some of those also. It is always a remarkable drive to Garden of Memory....... you pull into the parking lot and drive around the funeral home. Then you make a right hand curve and cross over a beautiful, old, red covered bridge. Next you make winding turns until you come to a special garden named 'Babyland'. What a name, it's haunting and sad and beautiful all at the same time. Asher's plot is all the way at the back, directly behind the last crabapple tree. I carried my wild flowers to his new marker and pulled out the vase that goes with it. Putting the flowers in, I realized I will never go out there without a flower to lay at his grave. Then I sat down and cried; and once again felt utter disbelief that I put my baby in the ground last fall. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that one of my children could die before me. Never would I have guessed that the grave marker beside me should belong to my OWN son. Its just so inconceivable. At some point I looked up and a red car drove up. It stopped near the 'Babyland' sign. I could just make out his face as he looked up at that tall, thin sign. I saw the look of profound sadness as he read the word and then comprehended what lay just beyond it. He looked at me and then looked down and slowly drove away. Then I laid back on the grass next to Asher's grave. Never in my life would I have believed that I would lay down in a cemetery next to a grave. But I did. And I just simply breathed. It was all I could manage. I'm not sure how long I stayed like that, but at some point I started talking. I imagined that I was talking to Asher - a more grown-up version of him, how I think he might look now that he has his perfect body and is in heaven. I told him about Vera and Vacation Bible School. I told him about the new baby to come. And I told him how much I miss him and that never will a day go by that I won't think of him. And then, I knew it was time to go. It was time to get up and keep going and live life and smile. It was like God gently pulled me to my feet and patted my bottom and said "Git! I love you, I am with you. This separation will only be for a short while. You can come back and visit another day, but right now you need to go on living."
So I wiped the last tears from my cheeks, walked to my car and drove on down the road. My stomach growled just then reminding me of the other life growing inside me and that I needed to feed him/her.
So I wiped the last tears from my cheeks, walked to my car and drove on down the road. My stomach growled just then reminding me of the other life growing inside me and that I needed to feed him/her.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Um....subconscious worry much??
Here are a few more dreams I've been having. About a week ago I was napping at my parents house when I dreamed I was driving my dads big gold pick-up truck and hit a 10 year old boy on a bike. Woke up gasping for air.
Two nights ago I dreamed Nolan came home from work but he had stopped at a bar first and got himself completely smashed. I was super mad so I punched him in the nose. He fell over and passed out. Then I got a terrible feeling that he had hit someone and didn't realize it, so I drove toward his work. When I got out to State Rd. 3 I found a car in the ditch all mashed up and steam/smoke was coming from under the hood. The driver, a woman, was unconscious and had a gash on her head. I knew I had to get her out and to a hospital b/c I didn't have a cell phone to call 911. So I heave open the door (btw I was like a week from giving birth) and pull the woman out. Suddenly I start hearing a whirring sound and I just know I need to get the two of us into the car and cover Vera with my body. I manage to haul the lady into the back passenger seat in the car then I use my body to cover Vera. As soon as I get into position the wrecked car explodes. A piece of shrapnel whizzes through the window and slices open my abdomen and uterus. I realize that I have to then give myself a cesarean section! So I dig my hands into my belly (in real life I faint at the sight of my own blood) and scoop out this dark headed baby. I use my teeth to cut the cord and my hair tie to tie it off. Then I somehow manage to get out of the car and flag down a passerby who calls 911 as I collapse. ----I wake up sweaty with pain in my stomach. ????????
And last night I dreamed that I went on a play date with this neighbor woman and her 3 kids. The youngest was a girl, about Vera's age. After the play-date we sat on the sidewalk and ate lunch. While we were eating lunch I realized that the house we were sitting in front of had a 'For Sale' sign in the yard. I decide to go take a tour. When I get to the door I turn around to see Vera and the other little girl riding their bikes up the drive following me. I tell them that they have to go back to the sidewalk. They obey and turn around. The drive is on an incline so they are pedaling down hill. I see a car coming down the road and realize that the little girl is not going to get stopped and will get hit by this car. I start running trying to save her but I miss by a millisecond and the car smashes her. I watch as her little body rolls up under the wheel well and then flys out again only to be hit by the back tires. The car screeches to a halt and I scoop the dead, mangled child into my arms and sob. The child's mother doesn't seem to care. She doesn't react at all. I just keep crying and telling her I'm sorry. Sobbing and sobbing. I just rock her little body and say "Sorry, sorry, sorry" over and over while i wept. Then I woke up sobbing.
I can not believe these dreams.
Two nights ago I dreamed Nolan came home from work but he had stopped at a bar first and got himself completely smashed. I was super mad so I punched him in the nose. He fell over and passed out. Then I got a terrible feeling that he had hit someone and didn't realize it, so I drove toward his work. When I got out to State Rd. 3 I found a car in the ditch all mashed up and steam/smoke was coming from under the hood. The driver, a woman, was unconscious and had a gash on her head. I knew I had to get her out and to a hospital b/c I didn't have a cell phone to call 911. So I heave open the door (btw I was like a week from giving birth) and pull the woman out. Suddenly I start hearing a whirring sound and I just know I need to get the two of us into the car and cover Vera with my body. I manage to haul the lady into the back passenger seat in the car then I use my body to cover Vera. As soon as I get into position the wrecked car explodes. A piece of shrapnel whizzes through the window and slices open my abdomen and uterus. I realize that I have to then give myself a cesarean section! So I dig my hands into my belly (in real life I faint at the sight of my own blood) and scoop out this dark headed baby. I use my teeth to cut the cord and my hair tie to tie it off. Then I somehow manage to get out of the car and flag down a passerby who calls 911 as I collapse. ----I wake up sweaty with pain in my stomach. ????????
And last night I dreamed that I went on a play date with this neighbor woman and her 3 kids. The youngest was a girl, about Vera's age. After the play-date we sat on the sidewalk and ate lunch. While we were eating lunch I realized that the house we were sitting in front of had a 'For Sale' sign in the yard. I decide to go take a tour. When I get to the door I turn around to see Vera and the other little girl riding their bikes up the drive following me. I tell them that they have to go back to the sidewalk. They obey and turn around. The drive is on an incline so they are pedaling down hill. I see a car coming down the road and realize that the little girl is not going to get stopped and will get hit by this car. I start running trying to save her but I miss by a millisecond and the car smashes her. I watch as her little body rolls up under the wheel well and then flys out again only to be hit by the back tires. The car screeches to a halt and I scoop the dead, mangled child into my arms and sob. The child's mother doesn't seem to care. She doesn't react at all. I just keep crying and telling her I'm sorry. Sobbing and sobbing. I just rock her little body and say "Sorry, sorry, sorry" over and over while i wept. Then I woke up sobbing.
I can not believe these dreams.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Developments
Yesterday I had my first appointment with my midwife. She's so awesome. Pretend that your mom (or someone who takes care of you all the time and that you really like and love) is who is in charge of your prenatal care. She's always got my back. Besides a Dr. is never going to ask your husband how your mood has been....lol. Ok, sorry for the tangent. I meant to talk about how my blood pressure is great and my pee is also perfect. Also the peanut is actually about the size of a large peanut right now. Amazing.
But also, this appointment was the first step of me connecting to this pregnancy. I drug my feet for a while not wanting to sit down and talk being pregnant. Not wanting to acknowledge that this is another baby whom I am responsible for caring for. I've been pretty laissez-faire about my nutrition and activity so far. I've not actively chosen pregnancy things.... even possibly going so far as to eat and do those things which may not be for the absolute best. (Not that I've been doing anything dangerous.... Nolan won't let me.) I think about how I did everything right with Asher, but things still went sour. So now part of me says why even try to be healthy and exercise and take your vitamins?? What point is there?? But I know these things need to be done. And having this appointment encouraged me to slowly connect to this baby as a separate, new, wonderful person. Deserving of as much love and care as I can provide no matter what the outcome. I still feel scared. Its so frightening to see that I may have to know such deep pain again. I wonder if it might break me. But I will not let fear strip me of the joy I can have while growing another child. I've said that I want to start memorizing scripture about fear and God's unyielding provision for his children; but thus far I have yet to do it. I WILL do it! I WILL! Because I know that only Christ can drive out fear. And here is the first passage I want to memorize.
But also, this appointment was the first step of me connecting to this pregnancy. I drug my feet for a while not wanting to sit down and talk being pregnant. Not wanting to acknowledge that this is another baby whom I am responsible for caring for. I've been pretty laissez-faire about my nutrition and activity so far. I've not actively chosen pregnancy things.... even possibly going so far as to eat and do those things which may not be for the absolute best. (Not that I've been doing anything dangerous.... Nolan won't let me.) I think about how I did everything right with Asher, but things still went sour. So now part of me says why even try to be healthy and exercise and take your vitamins?? What point is there?? But I know these things need to be done. And having this appointment encouraged me to slowly connect to this baby as a separate, new, wonderful person. Deserving of as much love and care as I can provide no matter what the outcome. I still feel scared. Its so frightening to see that I may have to know such deep pain again. I wonder if it might break me. But I will not let fear strip me of the joy I can have while growing another child. I've said that I want to start memorizing scripture about fear and God's unyielding provision for his children; but thus far I have yet to do it. I WILL do it! I WILL! Because I know that only Christ can drive out fear. And here is the first passage I want to memorize.
Joshua 1:1-9
King James Version (KJV)
Joshua 1
1Now after the death of Moses the servant of the LORD it came to pass, that the LORD spake unto Joshua the son of Nun, Moses' minister, saying,
2Moses my servant is dead; now therefore arise, go over this Jordan, thou, and all this people, unto the land which I do give to them, even to the children of Israel.
3Every place that the sole of your foot shall tread upon, that have I given unto you, as I said unto Moses.
4From the wilderness and this Lebanon even unto the great river, the river Euphrates, all the land of the Hittites, and unto the great sea toward the going down of the sun, shall be your coast.
5There shall not any man be able to stand before thee all the days of thy life: as I was with Moses, so I will be with thee: I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.
6Be strong and of a good courage: for unto this people shalt thou divide for an inheritance the land, which I sware unto their fathers to give them.
7Only be thou strong and very courageous, that thou mayest observe to do according to all the law, which Moses my servant commanded thee: turn not from it to the right hand or to the left, that thou mayest prosper withersoever thou goest.
8This book of the law shall not depart out of thy mouth; but thou shalt meditate therein day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then thou shalt have good success.
9Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.
After the death of his friend and leader God calls on Joshua to step up. He wants Joshua to lead the people into Cannon, the land flowing with milk and honey. Look at all the promises God makes to him. And at the end God says "be not afraid.... for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."
This is not a promise only extended to Joshua, but also to me. If God be for us who can stand against us?? Who can separate us from His mighty hand................???
So, please, post your favorite fear passages. I can use the encouragement.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Rated "R" -- actually I think its "X"
I had some more super strange dreams. I took a three hour nap this afternoon and had 2 really vivid dreams. In the first one I was dating the prince of Persia who had a mean cat and looked just like Nolan. While we were out in this tiny car we went to the store. I really wanted some squeeze iceing but we couldn't find any. On our way back to his house we discovered that the road had a big sink hole in the middle and a backhoe was down in it trying to fix it. But "the Prince" decided that he would just RAMP those machines and get to the other side. We went airborne and then realized that the road in front of us was covered in 3 feet of water. We landed and laughed hysterically because we were so cool. HA! And my mom came to meet him after a day at the petting zoo with his mother but she pulled a muscle in her ribs trying to catch a rabbit. lololol
In the other dream I was riding a standing lawn mower around downtown muncie. I had Vera with me and was HUGLY pregnant. lol But the lawn mower was going faster than normal. Eventually a homeless man flagged us down and told us that my lawn mower wasn't street legal but that he would take it to the BMV to get the license plate. I agreed and pushed a button on the mower. A skateboard popped out and we got on. So I skateboard around downtown Muncie holding Vera. I was VERY good at it (I've never in real life even stepped on a skateboard) and kept making these amazing jumps so that Vera could see cool things going on through building windows (once we saw a man blowing glass in front of a blazing furnace). I kept using Vera as a counter balance! hahaha! Eventually we went into a museum that had a dance club attached to it. The new attraction at the museum was about 10 of these tall figures. They looked like the scary, white mummy in Pan's Labyrinth except they had varied colorful stripes on them and were bent at the waist in strange directions. Oh, and -I wish I could whisper this- they all had two colorful, bandaged-wrapped penises. ?????? Also they didn't feel scary, actually they made me in a good mood. Next we skateboarded down to the dance-club/bar where the bar tender was really cranky. I told her the bathroom was flooded and she went to find someone to take care of it. While she was gone I stole like 30 peppermint patties from behind the bar. They were special peppermint patties, she was selling them for $4 a piece. The cookie part was white and translucent and the green mint filling glowed. And I also stole some of those vanilla and strawberry wafer cookies. And so huge belly and all I skateboarded out of that museum with an armful of loot. Then I woke up. I CANNOT BELIEVE these weird dreams.
In the other dream I was riding a standing lawn mower around downtown muncie. I had Vera with me and was HUGLY pregnant. lol But the lawn mower was going faster than normal. Eventually a homeless man flagged us down and told us that my lawn mower wasn't street legal but that he would take it to the BMV to get the license plate. I agreed and pushed a button on the mower. A skateboard popped out and we got on. So I skateboard around downtown Muncie holding Vera. I was VERY good at it (I've never in real life even stepped on a skateboard) and kept making these amazing jumps so that Vera could see cool things going on through building windows (once we saw a man blowing glass in front of a blazing furnace). I kept using Vera as a counter balance! hahaha! Eventually we went into a museum that had a dance club attached to it. The new attraction at the museum was about 10 of these tall figures. They looked like the scary, white mummy in Pan's Labyrinth except they had varied colorful stripes on them and were bent at the waist in strange directions. Oh, and -I wish I could whisper this- they all had two colorful, bandaged-wrapped penises. ?????? Also they didn't feel scary, actually they made me in a good mood. Next we skateboarded down to the dance-club/bar where the bar tender was really cranky. I told her the bathroom was flooded and she went to find someone to take care of it. While she was gone I stole like 30 peppermint patties from behind the bar. They were special peppermint patties, she was selling them for $4 a piece. The cookie part was white and translucent and the green mint filling glowed. And I also stole some of those vanilla and strawberry wafer cookies. And so huge belly and all I skateboarded out of that museum with an armful of loot. Then I woke up. I CANNOT BELIEVE these weird dreams.
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