Cornflowers and Queen Anne's Lace

I went out the the cemetery today, I didn't even realize that today is the 8 month marker. I just needed to be out there. My mom has tiger lilies growing by the side of her house so I cut some to take out there after I dropped Vera off. On the way I saw some Queen Anne's Lace and blue Cornflowers and decided to stop and cut some of those also. It is always a remarkable drive to Garden of Memory....... you pull into the parking lot and drive around the funeral home. Then you make a right hand curve and cross over a beautiful, old, red covered bridge. Next you make winding turns until you come to a special garden named 'Babyland'. What a name, it's haunting and sad and beautiful all at the same time. Asher's plot is all the way at the back, directly behind the last crabapple tree. I carried my wild flowers to his new marker and pulled out the vase that goes with it. Putting the flowers in, I realized I will never go out there without a flower to lay at his grave. Then I sat down and cried; and once again felt utter disbelief that I put my baby in the ground last fall. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that one of my children could die before me. Never would I have guessed that the grave marker beside me should belong to my OWN son. Its just so inconceivable. At some point I looked up and a red car drove up. It stopped near the 'Babyland' sign. I could just make out his face as he looked up at that tall, thin sign. I saw the look of profound sadness as he read the word and then comprehended what lay just beyond it. He looked at me and then looked down and slowly drove away. Then I laid back on the grass next to Asher's grave. Never in my life would I have believed that I would lay down in a cemetery next to a grave. But I did. And I just simply breathed. It was all I could manage. I'm not sure how long I stayed like that, but at some point I started talking. I imagined that I was talking to Asher - a more grown-up version of him, how I think he might look now that he has his perfect body and is in heaven. I told him about Vera and Vacation Bible School. I told him about the new baby to come. And I told him how much I miss him and that never will a day go by that I won't think of him. And then, I knew it was time to go. It was time to get up and keep going and live life and smile. It was like God gently pulled me to my feet and patted my bottom and said "Git! I love you, I am with you. This separation will only be for a short while. You can come back and visit another day, but right now you need to go on living."
So I wiped the last tears from my cheeks, walked to my car and drove on down the road. My stomach growled just then reminding me of the other life growing inside me and that I needed to feed him/her.

Um....subconscious worry much??

Here are a few more dreams I've been having. About a week ago I was napping at my parents house when I dreamed I was driving my dads big gold pick-up truck and hit a 10 year old boy on a bike. Woke up gasping for air.

Two nights ago I dreamed Nolan came home from work but he had stopped at a bar first and got himself completely smashed. I was super mad so I punched him in the nose. He fell over and passed out. Then I got a terrible feeling that he had hit someone and didn't realize it, so I drove toward his work. When I got out to State Rd. 3 I found a car in the ditch all mashed up and steam/smoke was coming from under the hood. The driver, a woman, was unconscious and had a gash on her head. I knew I had to get her out and to a hospital b/c I didn't have a cell phone to call 911. So I heave open the door (btw I was like a week from giving birth) and pull the woman out. Suddenly I start hearing a whirring sound and I just know I need to get the two of us into the car and cover Vera with my body. I manage to haul the lady into the back  passenger seat in the car then I use my body to cover Vera. As soon as I get into position the wrecked car explodes. A piece of shrapnel  whizzes through the window and slices open my abdomen and uterus. I realize that I have to then give myself a cesarean  section! So I dig my hands into my belly (in real life I faint at the sight of my own blood) and scoop out this dark headed baby. I use my teeth to cut the cord and my hair tie to tie it off. Then I somehow manage to get out of the car and flag down a passerby who calls 911 as I collapse.  ----I wake up sweaty with pain in my stomach. ????????

And last night I dreamed that I went on a play date with this neighbor woman and her 3 kids. The youngest was a girl, about Vera's age. After the play-date we sat on the sidewalk and ate lunch. While we were eating lunch I realized that the house we were sitting in front of had a 'For Sale' sign in the yard. I decide to go take a tour. When I get to the door I turn around to see Vera and the other little girl riding their bikes up the drive following me. I tell them that they have to go back to the sidewalk. They obey and turn around. The drive is on an incline so they are pedaling down hill. I see a car coming down the road and realize that the little girl is not going to get stopped and will get hit by this car. I start running trying to save her but I miss by a millisecond and the car smashes her. I watch as her little body rolls up under the wheel well and then flys out again only to be hit by the back tires. The car screeches to a halt and I scoop the dead, mangled child into my arms and sob. The child's mother doesn't seem to care. She doesn't react at all. I just keep crying and telling her I'm sorry. Sobbing and sobbing. I just rock her little body and say "Sorry, sorry, sorry" over and over while i wept. Then I woke up sobbing.

I can not believe these dreams.

Developments

Yesterday I had my first appointment with my midwife. She's so awesome. Pretend that your mom (or someone who takes care of you all the time and that you really like and love) is who is in charge of your prenatal care. She's always got my back. Besides a Dr. is never going to ask your husband how your mood has been....lol. Ok, sorry for the tangent. I meant to talk about how my blood pressure is great and my pee is also perfect. Also the peanut is actually about the size of a large peanut right now. Amazing.
    But also, this appointment was the first step of me connecting to this pregnancy. I drug my feet for a while not wanting to sit down and talk being pregnant. Not wanting to acknowledge that this is another baby whom I am responsible for caring for. I've been pretty laissez-faire about my nutrition and activity so far. I've not actively chosen pregnancy things.... even possibly going so far as to eat and do those things which may not be for the absolute best. (Not that I've been doing anything dangerous.... Nolan won't let me.) I think about how I did everything right with Asher, but things still went sour. So now part of me says why even try to be healthy and exercise and take your vitamins?? What point is there?? But I know these things need to be done. And having this appointment encouraged me to slowly connect to this baby as a separate, new, wonderful person. Deserving of as much love and care as I can provide no matter what the outcome. I still feel scared. Its so frightening to see that I may have to know such deep pain again. I wonder if it might break me. But I will not let fear strip me of the joy I can have while growing another child. I've said that I want to start memorizing scripture about fear and God's unyielding provision for his children; but thus far I have yet to do it. I WILL do it! I WILL! Because I know that only Christ can drive out fear. And here is the first passage I want to memorize.

Joshua 1:1-9

King James Version (KJV)

Joshua 1

 ¹Now after the death of Moses the servant of the LORD it came to pass, that the LORD spake unto Joshua the son of Nun, Moses' minister, saying,

 ²Moses my servant is dead; now therefore arise, go over this Jordan, thou, and all this people, unto the land which I do give to them, even to the children of Israel.

 ³Every place that the sole of your foot shall tread upon, that have I given unto you, as I said unto Moses.

 ⁴From the wilderness and this Lebanon even unto the great river, the river Euphrates, all the land of the Hittites, and unto the great sea toward the going down of the sun, shall be your coast.

 ⁵There shall not any man be able to stand before thee all the days of thy life: as I was with Moses, so I will be with thee: I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.

 ⁶Be strong and of a good courage: for unto this people shalt thou divide for an inheritance the land, which I sware unto their fathers to give them.

 ⁷Only be thou strong and very courageous, that thou mayest observe to do according to all the law, which Moses my servant commanded thee: turn not from it to the right hand or to the left, that thou mayest prosper withersoever thou goest.

 ⁸This book of the law shall not depart out of thy mouth; but thou shalt meditate therein day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then thou shalt have good success.

 ⁹Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.

After the death of his friend and leader God calls on Joshua to step up. He wants Joshua to lead the people into Cannon, the land flowing with milk and honey. Look at all the promises God makes to him. And at the end God says "be not afraid.... for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."

This is not a promise only extended to Joshua, but also to me. If God be for us who can stand against us?? Who can separate us from His mighty hand................???

So, please, post your favorite fear passages. I can use the encouragement. 

Rated "R" -- actually I think its "X"

I had some more super strange dreams.  I took a three hour nap this afternoon and had 2 really vivid dreams. In the first one I was dating the prince of Persia who had a mean cat and looked just like Nolan. While we were out in this tiny car we went to the store. I really wanted some squeeze iceing but we couldn't find any. On our way back to his house we discovered that the road had a big sink hole in the middle and a backhoe was down in it trying to fix it. But "the Prince" decided that he would just RAMP those machines and get to the other side. We went airborne and then realized that the road in front of us was covered in 3 feet of water. We landed and laughed hysterically because we were so cool. HA! And my mom came to meet him after a day at the petting zoo with his mother but she pulled a muscle in her ribs trying to catch a rabbit. lololol
 In the other dream I was riding a standing lawn mower around downtown muncie. I had Vera with me and  was HUGLY pregnant. lol But the lawn mower was going faster than normal. Eventually a homeless man flagged us down and told us that my lawn mower wasn't street legal but that he would take it to the BMV to get the license plate. I agreed and pushed a button on the mower. A skateboard popped out and we got on. So I skateboard around downtown Muncie holding Vera.  I was VERY good at it (I've never in real life even stepped on a skateboard) and kept making these amazing jumps so that Vera could see cool things going on through building windows (once we saw a man blowing glass in front of a blazing furnace). I kept using Vera as a counter balance! hahaha! Eventually we went into a museum that had a dance club attached to it. The new attraction at the museum was about 10 of these tall figures. They looked like the scary, white mummy in Pan's Labyrinth except they had varied colorful stripes on them and were bent at the waist in strange directions. Oh, and -I wish I could whisper this- they all had two colorful, bandaged-wrapped penises. ??????  Also they didn't feel scary, actually they made me in a good mood. Next we skateboarded down  to the dance-club/bar where the bar tender was really cranky. I told her the bathroom was flooded and she went to find someone to take care of it. While she was gone I stole like 30 peppermint patties from behind the bar. They were special peppermint patties, she was selling them for $4 a piece. The cookie part was white and translucent and the green mint filling glowed. And I also stole some of those vanilla and strawberry wafer cookies. And so huge belly and all I skateboarded out of that museum with an armful of loot. Then I woke up. I CANNOT BELIEVE these weird dreams.

The Elephant in the Room

So I guess I'm gonna keep on blogging. It gives me a moment to reflect and put my thoughts down. I've said it before, but when I write the thoughts that float around in my brain settle down onto the paper. They quit whining for attention and let me get on with my day. My dad keeps telling me I should write a book..... but that is a HUGE undertaking. He keeps saying "Just start writing, the story will come." and I keep telling him that I'm in my incubation period - when the ideas begin to bounce around like fat molecules in heavy cream; if shaken for long enough they begin to stick together to form a solid mass. He's not buying what I'm selling. Anyway so its 8:30 in the morning which is about the only quiet time I get to myself lately so I decided to blog. Vera did get up at 7 and crawl into my bed; which happens basically all the time. lol. At dawn's first light she is still sleepy, but wants to see if I'm in bed where I said I'd be. Oh how I love her. When I think of how I love her, I can't breath from the gravity of it. Vera is so strong and tender at the same time, so much wonder wrapped up into a tiny body. I don't think she's yet convinced that I'm going to have another  baby. She knows in her head, but doesn't really understand what the big deal is since last time we told her this it was a bust. From her perspective a new baby means that Mommy's tummy gets so big that there isn't much room left for her on Mommy's lap. Then mommy gets a scared look on her face and goes to the hospital to be sick for some days and then comes home and cries. : /   I can see why she's not really too excited to jump on this bandwagon again. But Nolan and I and the rest of the family are going to try our best to help her be excited. I don't know what I'd do if I had to try to explain AGAIN that another baby died. Well..... I'm not gonna think about that sort of thing. 

As for how the pregnancy is going -- I'm great! Sleepy.... ALL THE TIME. But other than that, I'm great. Mid August I should start to feel a bit better. I just really want to get past the "Is she just fat or is she pregnant???" stage of things. Thats when I start feeling really good. The huger my tummy gets, the more beautiful I feel. I don't generally get horribly uncomfortably until like the last week of my pregnancy. But where the hormones really get me are my emotions. I am a hag. Unless I take my B-complex and inositol vitamins. Then I don't quite reach hag status.... I think. haha. I think I'll give myself another month-ish and I'll start setting up appointments to see my midwife, (Yes, I am still planning a home-birth. No, I do not have any doubts about the abilities of my midwife. No I do not want to hear your opinions on the matter.) I'm so glad we got that elephant out of the room.

Now I've sat her for almost 30mins and it really is time to get the day going. 

Of Acceptance and Other News

In one week we will hit the 7 month mark. This last month has been a huge moving forward time for me. I can clearly remember each phase of my grief. I remember the shock, the denial, the anger, and the bargaining. I can clearly look back and see when I went through each step and when I was transitioning to the next. I'm not saying that never is there a time when some moments are spent regressing to a different step, but overall I have moved forward. And in this last month I believe I have reached the acceptance stage. A small part of me is scared to move to this stage.... scared that people will forget, scared that I won't actually come through it all in one piece. However, a much larger part of my soul knows that it is time to let go. Its good to remember how much I love Asher. Its ok to think about him, and talk about him without feeling pain. I know that I will always have my sad days..... but I also know that it is ok to feel joy and happiness. And that its ok to let go of my dreams for Asher and trust God with him.

A friend of mine recently said that she struggled to understand how God could use anything like this for good. I told her about a story I heard on the radio of a woman who was dying from bone cancer. She said that if her suffering could bring one person to Christ then it would all be worth it. And this is how I feel. If, by suffering one person can come to know the forgiveness and comfort that I know in the arms of Jesus then it will all have been worth it.

So many people have been such amazing an encouragement to me, but especially my pastor's wife. She lost a daughter and her words came from a heart healed by Christ. When I would pour my heart out to her, with tears in her eyes, she would say over and over, "God will be so faithful to you. He will be so faithful." And she's right, He has, and will be for the rest of my life. Even on the days when I turned my back to God and shook my fists He was right there showering me with love and grace. I praise His Holy Name. God, YOU reign.

And in the midst of acceptance came a wonderful surprise...... I'm pregnant again. :) Due mid February. If I were not to this place of acceptance I would not be able to feel so ready to have another baby. I am already so in love with baby #3 and I've only know I'm pregnant for 3 days. So I will pray for a healthy child, and perfect labor and delivery. I will hope for the best, and I shall not fear, or at least I will remember that God says not to fear and do my very best to obey.

This may be my last post for a while..... or maybe not. At the beginning I felt like I HAD to write, but that need has gradually decreased. I try to keep you all up to date with our life, and thank you all for reading. It means the world to me.

And so I'll end today with one more song.

Psalms 77.....Hath God Forgotten to Be Gracious??

Today I HATE Satan. Some days the jealously monster rises up in me. I know (in my head) that we should not compare ourselves to other people (for me other stay-at-home moms who have many children or are pregnant, are amazing house keepers, and are a healthy weight, and have finished college). I know that our 'meter stick' is Christ. But sometimes Satan really wants to rub my nose in those things I am not. And he asks me if I REALLY believe God loves me. Lucifer lets himself in and curls up beside me. Whispering terrible whispers; "You are such a disappointment to God. Who could love one like you?You are too ugly, too outspoken, so lazy and useless. Doesn't God say that he protects the ones he loves??? God doesn't love you, Samantha, he wouldn't even save your son. He lets you wallow in this pain while the women he does love, abundantly have healthy babies. "  Terrible whispers. And some days.... some moments.... like right now, I struggle to believe. But I will think on those things that are true. Truth will set me free of my unbelief.

Psalms 77
7 Will the Lord cast off for ever?    
And will he be favorable no more?
8 Is his mercy clean gone for ever?
Doth his promise fail for evermore?
9 Hath God forgotten to be gracious?
Hath he in anger shut up his tender mercies?  Selah.

10 And I said, This is my infirmity:
but I will remember the years of the right hand of the Most High.
11 I will remember the works of the LORD,    
surely I will remember thy wonders of old.
12 I will meditate also of all thy work,
and talk of thy doings.
13 Thy way, O God, is in the sanctuary:
who is so great a God as our God?
14 Thou art the God that doest wonders:
thou hast declared thy strength among the people.
15 Thou hast with thine arm redeemed thy people,
the sons of Jacob and Joseph.  Selah.

God is an everlasting God and sees the length of time much differently than I. God loves even me. God does not reluctantly love me, but with the full force of a hurricane. He is the knight in shining armor to my damsel in distress. God loves me with a love that crosses all boundaries - space, time, resources - to get to me, where ever I am.