Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Song #1 - Sweet Emotion

I've been trying to think of a way to share my pregnancy and birth story. Many people have wanted to ask about it all, but felt that it was intrusive. So I decided to blog about it.
I was just going through my iTunes playlist and I realized that every single song on there was picked for me to play while I was in labor with Asher. So I've decided to share them and what labor would have been like if Asher had been alive. Then I will tell the real story. This blog is going to be a place for me to tell my story. Because I need to.
There are quite a few songs on this list. About 5 hours worth total. This would have gotten me through about half of my labor had it been at home. If I'd had things my way. I planned to listen to the fast paced songs I love (ABBA, Aerosmith, and a few of the Gaither Vocal Band) at the beginning of my labor. I would have talked, laughed, sang and danced through each contraction. Then when things got serious I'd have swayed my hips to the sound of ocean waves while in the shower; I'd have moaned in guttural tones in the birthing tub to the sound of thunderstorms and river noises. My beautiful son would have been born to the sound of praise to the Almighty God of creation.
Song #1 is Sweet Emotion by Aerosmith. I'd have shook my head to the beat and gripped the wall or bathroom sink for concentration. I'd have closed my eyes and sang until the surge was over. Then I'd have looked up and smiled and dance into the kitchen for a bite of the Sweet and Spicy Chicken Legs I made that night.
Instead through the first contractions I sobbed while the Dr. used the oldest ultrasound machine in existence to tell me that my son was dead. I begged my husband not to hate me. I sobbed some more when I looked into his eyes and saw more love than I knew what to do with; And again when he grabbed my hand and told me that this was not my fault and that he loved me. He told me this over and over again. Through those first contractions I gripped the wall and tried to answer questions from the very young Dr. who had obviously never had to guide a patient through this before. He wanted to get things moving. I wanted everything to stop. To rewind. I wanted a redo to be called. I wanted to be home. With my son alive and well, about ready to be born. With Sweet Emotion guiding me through a surge.