Saturday, June 23, 2012

What I Didn't Expect

Eden is 4 months and 2 days old. I just called Nolan to tell him I'm sad. I'm still sad. When no one is looking I'm still sad. Everything makes me think of Asher. Every song. Every blade of grass. Every smile from my girls. Every time someone tells me how beautiful my children are. Every egg I eat. Every holiday. Every regular day. Every single thing. I am sad. But you won't see it. You won't see the sad. I don't want people knowing I'm still sad. So I'm gonna write a blog about it and post it on the internet so no one will know I'm still sad. Last night I sat on my porch, looking at the stars and weeping. I can't cry with people around. I don't want anyone, for one instant, to think I'm ungrateful for Vera or Eden. I am so in love with them. They make me laugh. They make my hair fall out. Sometimes they pull it out. Still I am sad. Today someone asked me how old Asher would be now. I said, "2, in November." This is my second year of living without my son. Will I be sad for the rest of my life? Will my eyes never be fully carefree and content with joy again? I can't imagine they will. But my days are more happy than sad usually. I guess I didn't expect to still feel this deep kind of grief a year and a half later.