For some time now I've been struggling with who I am. Who am I? I thought I knew who I was when I was a senior in high school. I was outgoing and opinionated. I was a natural leader. I was comfortable being alone or being in a group. I believed I was smart and that I could change the world.
And then I got pregnant. And then I started college. And then I got married.
I was so ashamed of being pregnant. So I hid. I stopped going to church for three years. I didn't make friends. I refused to share my ideas and thoughts. Being pregnant made me feel like a joke. College made me feel stupid. Being married made me feel inadequate. Shame will do that to you. I no longer believed I could change the world. I lost my fire. I lost myself.
And then I made the decision to have another baby. And then Pam Flannigan invited me to church with love and encouragement. And then God was so faithful to me after Asher's death. And then I made friends.
For almost 6 years I've been grappling with who I am and with what I have to offer the world. About a week ago I realized that I no longer felt ashamed, although I didn't even realize what it was at first. But now, sitting here writing this I know. Shame has fallen away. I am comfortable with my past. My past can change the world if I let it. My ideas are important. My thoughts are good, I am smart. I walk with a pleasant dignity instead of hiding in the shadows.
Deciding to have another baby gave me back my power. Pam Flannagin helped me gain the faith to trust that people will accept me for me. God repaired my broken soul. My friends laughed with me and cried with me.
I am no longer struggling with who I am, I am comfortable with her. Myself, she is growing and changing still. I have my own issues that I have to work out over time, but they will not cripple me anymore. I may not change the whole world, but by God's grace and faithfulness I will change part of it.