Saturday, February 18, 2012

Waiting on Eden

   I don't remember how much I've filled everyone in with the last month or so but its been...... taxing. So full of self-doubt am I that its been hard to think straight. We are waiting on Eden. Waiting, waiting, waiting. On Monday I am scheduled to be induced. INDUCED. As in a Dr. will put chemicals into my body to FORCE it into labor. I feel heavy anxiety over my decision to be induced, but I also feel heavy anxiety over the idea of going past the 41 week mark. My nails have never looked worse (this is saying something because I have a LONG history of chewing them down to nothing), my hair is all out of whack and I'm not sleeping. I have searched and searched and looked and scanned every resource I can find for ways to get my body to go into labor on it's own (getting Eden in the right position, soften cervix naturally, ect.), but in reality.... only the baby and your body know when the time is right. If you are not teetering on the edge, nothing you do is going to put you into labor except strong pharmaceuticals.
    Knowing all this I have vacillated back and forth with "to induce or not to induce??". Do I just carry babies to 42 weeks? Is this what is best for Eden? or is getting her out in 2 days best? Is my mental steel tough enough to go another week or more? According to EVERY SINGLE ultrasound my placenta is beautiful, Eden is healthy, and my fluid levels are great. I do not have high blood pressure and only a tiny bit of swelling at the end of the day. So I'm about as healthy as can be for 41weeks pregnant. I want her to come on her own. I want to feel my body go into labor and cross into the labor void. I want to come out on the other side triumphant and gleaming and saying, "See? My body is NOT broken. See? My body isn't a baby killer!! See?? See??" But I am so very tired of fighting with my own self. I don't know what is best.
   Maybe that is just it. I don't know what's best. And what if I choose to wait another week.... and the unthinkable happens. What if Eden dies too? And what if it could be prevented by just allowing the good Doc to pump powerful drugs into my system and forcing Eden out? But what if the drugs are too much? What if suddenly Eden can't handle the drugs and they wheel me into a cold room, strap my arms down and cut Eden out of me? This anxiety is as powerful as any drug.
   Tonight I was driving home and talking with the Lord. I was shaking my head and being frustrated and saying, "God, I'm almost done asking you to bring on labor. I have almost given up that you will come through. I kinda don't believe that you want me to have a healing labor and I feel alone. Don't you care that I'm tired? Haven't I fought enough? Haven't I learned the lesson(s) you wanted me to learn?" And then 'You Deliver Me' by Selah came on the radio.

When I feel like I can't go on,
You deliver me.
When the road is winding and way too long,
You deliver me.
You deliver me.

Of course God was speaking to me right then. He was reassuring me that he is the great physician and he knows what is going on. He knows where I am and what I'm feeling. I still don't know what the best choice is for this labor.... but I know that God will be in the trenches with me. Protecting me and carrying me and giving me strength.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012


I feel the itch to write. But as soon as I logged in and saw the blank page.... I had nothing to say. When I was in 5th grade I had an amazing teacher named Mrs. Flatter. She taught me to just write the same thing over and over until I knew what I wanted to say. That practice has served me well for almost 12 years now. If I write nonsense for long enough, great ideas begin to seep out on onto the page. Sounds strange.... but it works. And here we go.....
     A while back my sister-in-law introduced me to a blog post which was about the idea of story. As in what is your story? Or what story are you a part of right now? After I had Vera I thought that my big story was going to be about moving away from God, getting pregnant, and then married and the storm of chaos that ensued thereafter. I thought it was going to be a story about God redemptive power in my life. And then after we lost Asher I thought that was going to be my big story. About God's faithfulness and about his peace. But that doesn't seem to be it either. Each of my children seem to have written their own chapters in my life while at the same time penning their own stories.
     After making the startling discovery that it was O.K. to dream again I started to wonder where my story was going next. Maybe our life is going to settle down for a bit.... maybe we'll have a healthy baby girl, and I will make dinner and wash laundry and run errands, and Nolan will kiss us all and go to work. And things will settle down. But experience has taught me that in life you are either IN a storm, COMING OUT of a storm, or about to GO INTO a storm. I feel like right now we are walking out of a storm but still facing a few rain showers here and there. All of this makes me wonder what my life has in store for me. And what, at the end of my life, will my biography say.
     Will anyone read about my life and be challenged by it? Or will they shake their heads, sorry for having read such a pathetic story. I hope it will be the former. What does it take to live in such a way that it challenges others? It will mean an intentionally living with purpose. But that begs the question, what purpose?? So that is where I'm at now..... what purpose???