I feel the itch to write. But as soon as I logged in and saw the blank page.... I had nothing to say. When I was in 5th grade I had an amazing teacher named Mrs. Flatter. She taught me to just write the same thing over and over until I knew what I wanted to say. That practice has served me well for almost 12 years now. If I write nonsense for long enough, great ideas begin to seep out on onto the page. Sounds strange.... but it works. And here we go.....
A while back my sister-in-law introduced me to a blog post which was about the idea of story. As in what is your story? Or what story are you a part of right now? After I had Vera I thought that my big story was going to be about moving away from God, getting pregnant, and then married and the storm of chaos that ensued thereafter. I thought it was going to be a story about God redemptive power in my life. And then after we lost Asher I thought that was going to be my big story. About God's faithfulness and about his peace. But that doesn't seem to be it either. Each of my children seem to have written their own chapters in my life while at the same time penning their own stories.
After making the startling discovery that it was O.K. to dream again I started to wonder where my story was going next. Maybe our life is going to settle down for a bit.... maybe we'll have a healthy baby girl, and I will make dinner and wash laundry and run errands, and Nolan will kiss us all and go to work. And things will settle down. But experience has taught me that in life you are either IN a storm, COMING OUT of a storm, or about to GO INTO a storm. I feel like right now we are walking out of a storm but still facing a few rain showers here and there. All of this makes me wonder what my life has in store for me. And what, at the end of my life, will my biography say.
Will anyone read about my life and be challenged by it? Or will they shake their heads, sorry for having read such a pathetic story. I hope it will be the former. What does it take to live in such a way that it challenges others? It will mean an intentionally living with purpose. But that begs the question, what purpose?? So that is where I'm at now..... what purpose???