So.... I've been avoiding you. Mostly because the incubation stage of my writing process was taking so dern (watch Matilda, dern IS a word) long, also because every time I would have an idea it would skitter right out of my head to make space for some other more pressing change or plan or idea. So you all have earned an update; 1) I'm not seeing the Indy Dr. anymore, I'm back with my midwife. But we are still planning a natural as possible hospital birth with (hopefully) the assistance of a Dr. here in town! Yay! No more long drive. I found out that Ball Hosp. has 1 wireless electronic fetal monitoring unit and I plan to use it.
2) Eden is growing perfectly. Her heart beat is perfect. I'm in good health, but I haven't been eating enough or healthily. Working on getting my greens and proteins again. And clearly my sleep is off (it's 4am here), but only mostly because I have to pee 492 times every single night!!!
3) I have a dream. Just call me Martin. I know that everyone has dreams. Goals you want to accomplish, a life you want to someday live, but for so very, very long I have not even allowed the prospect of someday to enter the realm of possibility. Thinking about the way things could be is so dangerous that my subconscious had protected me by not even pausing for a single second for the idea that someday I would accomplish some dreams. Because in EVERY SINGLE dream scenario a baby was missing from my arms. And if I allowed myself to dream beyond Asher's existence in my earthly world it was like I was blotting him out of my life. As if I took white-out and deleted my memory of Asher. But yesterday was different. Yesterday I spread the gardening catalog across my desk and began to plan. I didn't just plan a garden patch for this summer (like I'll have time for that this year, lol) but I was planning a for a lifetime. I let go of more of my dreams for Asher. I surrendered my dreams of hearing his laughter while he plays with his sisters. I surrendered my hopes of ever teaching him anything. I didn't do it on purpose..... and I honestly didn't even realize what I was doing until later. You don't immediately cut ties with your hopes and dreams when your future is suddenly, drastically altered. You let them loose slowly, carefully. In their place new life blooms, and new passions spring up. Or even -as it is for me- old passions that didn't have any light to shine in or air to breath now are given a second chance.
Some day I want to make and sell my own pottery. I want to sit for long hours at the wheel and throw clay until I work out all my problems. I want to make whole matching sets of hand-crafted, dishwasher and oven safe dishes. I want to sculpt pregnant bellies as gifts for, as Nolan calls them, my "hippy friends". I want to sip coffee under a weeping cherry in full bloom with my husband beside me. I want to have a large garden and a few barnyard animals. I want my own library so I can teach my children about adventuring in the pages of a good book. I will have a few bird feeders hanging in the trees and maybe even allow a cat to slink in and out of the house. I will listen to my girls play pretend with one another as their laughter peals out over the yard and through the kitchen window where I am just taking a pie out of the oven. And I will still kiss Nolan every day, but the scenery will be nicer.
It is fitting that today marks exactly 1 year and 2 months since Asher died. I can dream again. I realized just how important it is to have and nourish your dreams. There is always the possibility that a dream will be taken before it is realized, but there is no such thing as living without risk. I would love to hear about your 'someday'. What is it that stirs your soul to passion??