Friday, March 4, 2011

Afraid of Blessings

So many things have been going on these last weeks. Small things, big things...... just lots of things. Monday I paid some long overdue bills and it was such a huge relief to get that done. I love the satisfaction that no one can hold an unpaid bill over my head. And on Monday I woke up to 2 1/2 feet of water in my basement. It rained all day Sunday melting all the snow and causing flooding. My washer and dryer are down there... dryer still works, but the washer died. Sooo.. I guess we're getting a "new" (it wont be truly brand new, just new to us) washing machine.  Tuesday I made a trip to see my midwives, for funsies, because a midwife is more than a person to deliver your baby. Then I did taxes for a few people and came home mentally exhausted. Wednesday I did more taxes and came home was able to contact some family that never knew I was pregnant, let alone knew about Asher. Thursday I did more taxes..... its safe to say my brain is fried. And they were EASY taxes. Still...... mush.

Anyway.. When I came home a wonderful friend of mine called. She says she feels that God has exciting blessings in Nolan and I's future. She is the second person in the last 2 weeks to tell me that. I know I should be happy, but truthfully I'm scared. At first I was just nervous, excited nervous. But the more I thought about it, the more afraid I became. I can't figure out why. Maybe its the thought of moving to a new season of life. I know I cant stay in this season of greif, but I also don't want to leave. I also can't stand the thought of people saying, "See? God is still blessing you. Just because Asher died, doesn't mean God won't provide. See? God took Asher so he could bless you in other ways." I may go to jail for battery if anyone says that to me. (And don't think people don't say insensitive things like that.) But, really, I'm just worried. Usually after God blesses you significantly, Satan is right behind him to do all he can to tear you down again. Maybe I'd just rather remain in neutral. Isn't that such a terrible attitude? Satan's got me on the run apparently. I'll have to talk with Christ about this tonight. Just why would He bless us with Asher, only to let death take him. If thats what blessings mean, I can't say as I want them.

Also, Nolan and I already decided on boy/girl names for our next baby. And no I'm not telling. I'm not even pregnant and we're on this train again. Sigh... I told Nolan today that I won't be buying anything for the next baby we have until he/she is born. Putting Asher's things away was..... well...... sometimes I wish it was back in my room. I don't see why I ever have to let my heart heal. I don't see why it just can't go on bleeding forever. I don't see why its not acceptable to curl into the fetal position and stay there. Gosh, I don't blame anyone for not reading this, I'll bet its hard to follow... all my thoughts just - PLOP - on the page.

Today Nolan and I had a good fight. A good fight is where both sides compromise in the end. But it still exhausts me, fighting is exhausting. I hate it. We've got to find a better way to reach a compromise. I need to be better about trusting his ideas and ways of doing things. I'm working on it. Its so hard to do things someone else's way when you KNOW that your way will work. I need to respect and support him more. I need to let go of the control. Pray for me. Pray for him. He is human also, of course, but this is my blog, lol.

I wonder how many of you will still like me when you know how unpleasant I can be. And how I can be unpleasant for a very extended period of time.

I miss my son today. I've missed him everyday. Especially today the ache is strong.