Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Out of the Race

Today I put myself out of the running for mother and wife of the year for sure. This morning at 4am Nolan passed out at work and was sent to the emergency room (he has influenza and bronchitis). He and other people tried to call all morning but I slept through it all. When he finally got home he was so mad at me because I had failed to put the phone back on the hook, therefor it was on the floor and I couldn't hear it ring. He was finally forced to call his parents for help. I'm sure he doesn't think he can rely on me. Then I worked an 8 hour shift instead of the original 3 hours planned and didn't call him. When I go home he wanted to know why I let him worry all day and didn't even think to call. And why I wasn't here all day to take care of him. Then I went to pick up Vera from my mom and dads (my dad watched her all day for me). When I got there I couldn't find the car-seat and dad said he thought mom took it with her too work by accident. So I decided to just buckle Vera in a regular seatbelt and go home. We're both fine but what if something had happened? "Well, I was tired and I just wanted to get home. I didn't think we'd get into an accident and she would go flying through the windshield. I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to happen!" I'm just asking for another dead child. Then Vera was playing with Nolan after we got home and she wouldn't leave him along and he started not to be able to breath. Well I didn't notice anything even though I was sitting 2 feet away and Nolan almost passed out again trying to get Vera to stop jumping on him. And the house was also a mess all day and there are 3 loads of laundry in baskets not folded, 3 loads of dirty laundry sitting around, and dirty dishes line the sink. I failed all day. I failed even when I was sleeping today. I really want to crawl into a small hole and have someone shovel dirt over the top of me and never come out.
I feel as if God is showing me why he didn't want to leave Asher with me. That I'm not responsible enough for another child. I can't even keep my house clean or help my husband when he's sick or make good judgement calls about illegal and dangerous situations involving Vera. I royally bombed today.