In one week we will hit the 7 month mark. This last month has been a huge moving forward time for me. I can clearly remember each phase of my grief. I remember the shock, the denial, the anger, and the bargaining. I can clearly look back and see when I went through each step and when I was transitioning to the next. I'm not saying that never is there a time when some moments are spent regressing to a different step, but overall I have moved forward. And in this last month I believe I have reached the acceptance stage. A small part of me is scared to move to this stage.... scared that people will forget, scared that I won't actually come through it all in one piece. However, a much larger part of my soul knows that it is time to let go. Its good to remember how much I love Asher. Its ok to think about him, and talk about him without feeling pain. I know that I will always have my sad days..... but I also know that it is ok to feel joy and happiness. And that its ok to let go of my dreams for Asher and trust God with him.
A friend of mine recently said that she struggled to understand how God could use anything like this for good. I told her about a story I heard on the radio of a woman who was dying from bone cancer. She said that if her suffering could bring one person to Christ then it would all be worth it. And this is how I feel. If, by suffering one person can come to know the forgiveness and comfort that I know in the arms of Jesus then it will all have been worth it.
So many people have been such amazing an encouragement to me, but especially my pastor's wife. She lost a daughter and her words came from a heart healed by Christ. When I would pour my heart out to her, with tears in her eyes, she would say over and over, "God will be so faithful to you. He will be so faithful." And she's right, He has, and will be for the rest of my life. Even on the days when I turned my back to God and shook my fists He was right there showering me with love and grace. I praise His Holy Name. God, YOU reign.
And in the midst of acceptance came a wonderful surprise...... I'm pregnant again. :) Due mid February. If I were not to this place of acceptance I would not be able to feel so ready to have another baby. I am already so in love with baby #3 and I've only know I'm pregnant for 3 days. So I will pray for a healthy child, and perfect labor and delivery. I will hope for the best, and I shall not fear, or at least I will remember that God says not to fear and do my very best to obey.
This may be my last post for a while..... or maybe not. At the beginning I felt like I HAD to write, but that need has gradually decreased. I try to keep you all up to date with our life, and thank you all for reading. It means the world to me.
And so I'll end today with one more song.