"Her."

To believe in a God who loves without discipline and is gratuitous without boundaries is to have a meager understanding of love that becomes a prostitution of it. When we cry out to God to change our circumstances, to take away our pain, He hears us. Yet, He loves us so deeply that he sometimes refuses to heal our wounds and, seeing the bigger picture, is unwilling to give us less of Himself. He has however promised to never, ever leave us. I am not alone in my pain, you are not alone in yours. God will not bring Asher back to me. That is a scar I will forever bare. But through this pain I have drawn closer to Christ. My faith does much more abound. I don't believe that loosing Asher was in any way discipline from God on our family, yet the Bible is clear, death came about because of sin. Death (and disease, and famine..ect) here on earth is the result of man's sin. I don't want to be a part of that. I don't want to contribute to the madness. Being a child of God, I strive for righteousness. It doesn't matter how good I am, until Christ comes back and hurls sin into the pit for all eternity, evil will run rampant. However, I will strive to shine God's light into the darkness, God's love into the despair and hurt of mankind. Sometimes I blow it. Sometimes, I don't.

I was thinking this week about why God chose me. What made him look down from his throne and say, "Her." Then God started showing me the bigger picture. He told me that once, long ago, he looked down and pointed to another woman. A woman who was, by our societies standards, barely a grown woman. He sent an angle down to say "You." And she was called blessed among women. She bore a son. But her son, he was beaten in front of her. He was slaughtered, maimed, mocked, spit on. He was nailed to a wooden cross and left to die. Because of sin. God choose Mary to bare and raise a son, only to watch him mercilessly whipped and murdered. Why her?? If God was pleased with Mary, for the Bible tells me so, why did he pick her?? Because in the big picture God gained more glory this way. Because that was the day that God chose to exact punishment on sin. Through His Holy, blameless, perfect Son came redemption for me. For my sin. For your sin. Because in the big picture its not about Mary, or me, it is about God. And in His story God wants to live with his children (us) forever in paradise. But He had to deal out discipline on evil. He had to punish sin so that I will live. To GOD be the glory.

I love this song, and I think it speaks to some of what I talked about.

Cornflowers and Queen Anne's Lace

I went out the the cemetery today, I didn't even realize that today is the 8 month marker. I just needed to be out there. My mom has tiger lilies growing by the side of her house so I cut some to take out there after I dropped Vera off. On the way I saw some Queen Anne's Lace and blue Cornflowers and decided to stop and cut some of those also. It is always a remarkable drive to Garden of Memory....... you pull into the parking lot and drive around the funeral home. Then you make a right hand curve and cross over a beautiful, old, red covered bridge. Next you make winding turns until you come to a special garden named 'Babyland'. What a name, it's haunting and sad and beautiful all at the same time. Asher's plot is all the way at the back, directly behind the last crabapple tree. I carried my wild flowers to his new marker and pulled out the vase that goes with it. Putting the flowers in, I realized I will never go out there without a flower to lay at his grave. Then I sat down and cried; and once again felt utter disbelief that I put my baby in the ground last fall. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that one of my children could die before me. Never would I have guessed that the grave marker beside me should belong to my OWN son. Its just so inconceivable. At some point I looked up and a red car drove up. It stopped near the 'Babyland' sign. I could just make out his face as he looked up at that tall, thin sign. I saw the look of profound sadness as he read the word and then comprehended what lay just beyond it. He looked at me and then looked down and slowly drove away. Then I laid back on the grass next to Asher's grave. Never in my life would I have believed that I would lay down in a cemetery next to a grave. But I did. And I just simply breathed. It was all I could manage. I'm not sure how long I stayed like that, but at some point I started talking. I imagined that I was talking to Asher - a more grown-up version of him, how I think he might look now that he has his perfect body and is in heaven. I told him about Vera and Vacation Bible School. I told him about the new baby to come. And I told him how much I miss him and that never will a day go by that I won't think of him. And then, I knew it was time to go. It was time to get up and keep going and live life and smile. It was like God gently pulled me to my feet and patted my bottom and said "Git! I love you, I am with you. This separation will only be for a short while. You can come back and visit another day, but right now you need to go on living."
So I wiped the last tears from my cheeks, walked to my car and drove on down the road. My stomach growled just then reminding me of the other life growing inside me and that I needed to feed him/her.

Um....subconscious worry much??

Here are a few more dreams I've been having. About a week ago I was napping at my parents house when I dreamed I was driving my dads big gold pick-up truck and hit a 10 year old boy on a bike. Woke up gasping for air.

Two nights ago I dreamed Nolan came home from work but he had stopped at a bar first and got himself completely smashed. I was super mad so I punched him in the nose. He fell over and passed out. Then I got a terrible feeling that he had hit someone and didn't realize it, so I drove toward his work. When I got out to State Rd. 3 I found a car in the ditch all mashed up and steam/smoke was coming from under the hood. The driver, a woman, was unconscious and had a gash on her head. I knew I had to get her out and to a hospital b/c I didn't have a cell phone to call 911. So I heave open the door (btw I was like a week from giving birth) and pull the woman out. Suddenly I start hearing a whirring sound and I just know I need to get the two of us into the car and cover Vera with my body. I manage to haul the lady into the back  passenger seat in the car then I use my body to cover Vera. As soon as I get into position the wrecked car explodes. A piece of shrapnel  whizzes through the window and slices open my abdomen and uterus. I realize that I have to then give myself a cesarean  section! So I dig my hands into my belly (in real life I faint at the sight of my own blood) and scoop out this dark headed baby. I use my teeth to cut the cord and my hair tie to tie it off. Then I somehow manage to get out of the car and flag down a passerby who calls 911 as I collapse.  ----I wake up sweaty with pain in my stomach. ????????

And last night I dreamed that I went on a play date with this neighbor woman and her 3 kids. The youngest was a girl, about Vera's age. After the play-date we sat on the sidewalk and ate lunch. While we were eating lunch I realized that the house we were sitting in front of had a 'For Sale' sign in the yard. I decide to go take a tour. When I get to the door I turn around to see Vera and the other little girl riding their bikes up the drive following me. I tell them that they have to go back to the sidewalk. They obey and turn around. The drive is on an incline so they are pedaling down hill. I see a car coming down the road and realize that the little girl is not going to get stopped and will get hit by this car. I start running trying to save her but I miss by a millisecond and the car smashes her. I watch as her little body rolls up under the wheel well and then flys out again only to be hit by the back tires. The car screeches to a halt and I scoop the dead, mangled child into my arms and sob. The child's mother doesn't seem to care. She doesn't react at all. I just keep crying and telling her I'm sorry. Sobbing and sobbing. I just rock her little body and say "Sorry, sorry, sorry" over and over while i wept. Then I woke up sobbing.

I can not believe these dreams.

Developments

Yesterday I had my first appointment with my midwife. She's so awesome. Pretend that your mom (or someone who takes care of you all the time and that you really like and love) is who is in charge of your prenatal care. She's always got my back. Besides a Dr. is never going to ask your husband how your mood has been....lol. Ok, sorry for the tangent. I meant to talk about how my blood pressure is great and my pee is also perfect. Also the peanut is actually about the size of a large peanut right now. Amazing.
    But also, this appointment was the first step of me connecting to this pregnancy. I drug my feet for a while not wanting to sit down and talk being pregnant. Not wanting to acknowledge that this is another baby whom I am responsible for caring for. I've been pretty laissez-faire about my nutrition and activity so far. I've not actively chosen pregnancy things.... even possibly going so far as to eat and do those things which may not be for the absolute best. (Not that I've been doing anything dangerous.... Nolan won't let me.) I think about how I did everything right with Asher, but things still went sour. So now part of me says why even try to be healthy and exercise and take your vitamins?? What point is there?? But I know these things need to be done. And having this appointment encouraged me to slowly connect to this baby as a separate, new, wonderful person. Deserving of as much love and care as I can provide no matter what the outcome. I still feel scared. Its so frightening to see that I may have to know such deep pain again. I wonder if it might break me. But I will not let fear strip me of the joy I can have while growing another child. I've said that I want to start memorizing scripture about fear and God's unyielding provision for his children; but thus far I have yet to do it. I WILL do it! I WILL! Because I know that only Christ can drive out fear. And here is the first passage I want to memorize.

Joshua 1:1-9

King James Version (KJV)

Joshua 1

 ¹Now after the death of Moses the servant of the LORD it came to pass, that the LORD spake unto Joshua the son of Nun, Moses' minister, saying,

 ²Moses my servant is dead; now therefore arise, go over this Jordan, thou, and all this people, unto the land which I do give to them, even to the children of Israel.

 ³Every place that the sole of your foot shall tread upon, that have I given unto you, as I said unto Moses.

 ⁴From the wilderness and this Lebanon even unto the great river, the river Euphrates, all the land of the Hittites, and unto the great sea toward the going down of the sun, shall be your coast.

 ⁵There shall not any man be able to stand before thee all the days of thy life: as I was with Moses, so I will be with thee: I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.

 ⁶Be strong and of a good courage: for unto this people shalt thou divide for an inheritance the land, which I sware unto their fathers to give them.

 ⁷Only be thou strong and very courageous, that thou mayest observe to do according to all the law, which Moses my servant commanded thee: turn not from it to the right hand or to the left, that thou mayest prosper withersoever thou goest.

 ⁸This book of the law shall not depart out of thy mouth; but thou shalt meditate therein day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then thou shalt have good success.

 ⁹Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.

After the death of his friend and leader God calls on Joshua to step up. He wants Joshua to lead the people into Cannon, the land flowing with milk and honey. Look at all the promises God makes to him. And at the end God says "be not afraid.... for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."

This is not a promise only extended to Joshua, but also to me. If God be for us who can stand against us?? Who can separate us from His mighty hand................???

So, please, post your favorite fear passages. I can use the encouragement.