Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Cornflowers and Queen Anne's Lace

I went out the the cemetery today, I didn't even realize that today is the 8 month marker. I just needed to be out there. My mom has tiger lilies growing by the side of her house so I cut some to take out there after I dropped Vera off. On the way I saw some Queen Anne's Lace and blue Cornflowers and decided to stop and cut some of those also. It is always a remarkable drive to Garden of Memory....... you pull into the parking lot and drive around the funeral home. Then you make a right hand curve and cross over a beautiful, old, red covered bridge. Next you make winding turns until you come to a special garden named 'Babyland'. What a name, it's haunting and sad and beautiful all at the same time. Asher's plot is all the way at the back, directly behind the last crabapple tree. I carried my wild flowers to his new marker and pulled out the vase that goes with it. Putting the flowers in, I realized I will never go out there without a flower to lay at his grave. Then I sat down and cried; and once again felt utter disbelief that I put my baby in the ground last fall. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that one of my children could die before me. Never would I have guessed that the grave marker beside me should belong to my OWN son. Its just so inconceivable. At some point I looked up and a red car drove up. It stopped near the 'Babyland' sign. I could just make out his face as he looked up at that tall, thin sign. I saw the look of profound sadness as he read the word and then comprehended what lay just beyond it. He looked at me and then looked down and slowly drove away. Then I laid back on the grass next to Asher's grave. Never in my life would I have believed that I would lay down in a cemetery next to a grave. But I did. And I just simply breathed. It was all I could manage. I'm not sure how long I stayed like that, but at some point I started talking. I imagined that I was talking to Asher - a more grown-up version of him, how I think he might look now that he has his perfect body and is in heaven. I told him about Vera and Vacation Bible School. I told him about the new baby to come. And I told him how much I miss him and that never will a day go by that I won't think of him. And then, I knew it was time to go. It was time to get up and keep going and live life and smile. It was like God gently pulled me to my feet and patted my bottom and said "Git! I love you, I am with you. This separation will only be for a short while. You can come back and visit another day, but right now you need to go on living."
So I wiped the last tears from my cheeks, walked to my car and drove on down the road. My stomach growled just then reminding me of the other life growing inside me and that I needed to feed him/her.