Rated "R" -- actually I think its "X"

I had some more super strange dreams.  I took a three hour nap this afternoon and had 2 really vivid dreams. In the first one I was dating the prince of Persia who had a mean cat and looked just like Nolan. While we were out in this tiny car we went to the store. I really wanted some squeeze iceing but we couldn't find any. On our way back to his house we discovered that the road had a big sink hole in the middle and a backhoe was down in it trying to fix it. But "the Prince" decided that he would just RAMP those machines and get to the other side. We went airborne and then realized that the road in front of us was covered in 3 feet of water. We landed and laughed hysterically because we were so cool. HA! And my mom came to meet him after a day at the petting zoo with his mother but she pulled a muscle in her ribs trying to catch a rabbit. lololol
 In the other dream I was riding a standing lawn mower around downtown muncie. I had Vera with me and  was HUGLY pregnant. lol But the lawn mower was going faster than normal. Eventually a homeless man flagged us down and told us that my lawn mower wasn't street legal but that he would take it to the BMV to get the license plate. I agreed and pushed a button on the mower. A skateboard popped out and we got on. So I skateboard around downtown Muncie holding Vera.  I was VERY good at it (I've never in real life even stepped on a skateboard) and kept making these amazing jumps so that Vera could see cool things going on through building windows (once we saw a man blowing glass in front of a blazing furnace). I kept using Vera as a counter balance! hahaha! Eventually we went into a museum that had a dance club attached to it. The new attraction at the museum was about 10 of these tall figures. They looked like the scary, white mummy in Pan's Labyrinth except they had varied colorful stripes on them and were bent at the waist in strange directions. Oh, and -I wish I could whisper this- they all had two colorful, bandaged-wrapped penises. ??????  Also they didn't feel scary, actually they made me in a good mood. Next we skateboarded down  to the dance-club/bar where the bar tender was really cranky. I told her the bathroom was flooded and she went to find someone to take care of it. While she was gone I stole like 30 peppermint patties from behind the bar. They were special peppermint patties, she was selling them for $4 a piece. The cookie part was white and translucent and the green mint filling glowed. And I also stole some of those vanilla and strawberry wafer cookies. And so huge belly and all I skateboarded out of that museum with an armful of loot. Then I woke up. I CANNOT BELIEVE these weird dreams.

The Elephant in the Room

So I guess I'm gonna keep on blogging. It gives me a moment to reflect and put my thoughts down. I've said it before, but when I write the thoughts that float around in my brain settle down onto the paper. They quit whining for attention and let me get on with my day. My dad keeps telling me I should write a book..... but that is a HUGE undertaking. He keeps saying "Just start writing, the story will come." and I keep telling him that I'm in my incubation period - when the ideas begin to bounce around like fat molecules in heavy cream; if shaken for long enough they begin to stick together to form a solid mass. He's not buying what I'm selling. Anyway so its 8:30 in the morning which is about the only quiet time I get to myself lately so I decided to blog. Vera did get up at 7 and crawl into my bed; which happens basically all the time. lol. At dawn's first light she is still sleepy, but wants to see if I'm in bed where I said I'd be. Oh how I love her. When I think of how I love her, I can't breath from the gravity of it. Vera is so strong and tender at the same time, so much wonder wrapped up into a tiny body. I don't think she's yet convinced that I'm going to have another  baby. She knows in her head, but doesn't really understand what the big deal is since last time we told her this it was a bust. From her perspective a new baby means that Mommy's tummy gets so big that there isn't much room left for her on Mommy's lap. Then mommy gets a scared look on her face and goes to the hospital to be sick for some days and then comes home and cries. : /   I can see why she's not really too excited to jump on this bandwagon again. But Nolan and I and the rest of the family are going to try our best to help her be excited. I don't know what I'd do if I had to try to explain AGAIN that another baby died. Well..... I'm not gonna think about that sort of thing. 

As for how the pregnancy is going -- I'm great! Sleepy.... ALL THE TIME. But other than that, I'm great. Mid August I should start to feel a bit better. I just really want to get past the "Is she just fat or is she pregnant???" stage of things. Thats when I start feeling really good. The huger my tummy gets, the more beautiful I feel. I don't generally get horribly uncomfortably until like the last week of my pregnancy. But where the hormones really get me are my emotions. I am a hag. Unless I take my B-complex and inositol vitamins. Then I don't quite reach hag status.... I think. haha. I think I'll give myself another month-ish and I'll start setting up appointments to see my midwife, (Yes, I am still planning a home-birth. No, I do not have any doubts about the abilities of my midwife. No I do not want to hear your opinions on the matter.) I'm so glad we got that elephant out of the room.

Now I've sat her for almost 30mins and it really is time to get the day going. 

Of Acceptance and Other News

In one week we will hit the 7 month mark. This last month has been a huge moving forward time for me. I can clearly remember each phase of my grief. I remember the shock, the denial, the anger, and the bargaining. I can clearly look back and see when I went through each step and when I was transitioning to the next. I'm not saying that never is there a time when some moments are spent regressing to a different step, but overall I have moved forward. And in this last month I believe I have reached the acceptance stage. A small part of me is scared to move to this stage.... scared that people will forget, scared that I won't actually come through it all in one piece. However, a much larger part of my soul knows that it is time to let go. Its good to remember how much I love Asher. Its ok to think about him, and talk about him without feeling pain. I know that I will always have my sad days..... but I also know that it is ok to feel joy and happiness. And that its ok to let go of my dreams for Asher and trust God with him.

A friend of mine recently said that she struggled to understand how God could use anything like this for good. I told her about a story I heard on the radio of a woman who was dying from bone cancer. She said that if her suffering could bring one person to Christ then it would all be worth it. And this is how I feel. If, by suffering one person can come to know the forgiveness and comfort that I know in the arms of Jesus then it will all have been worth it.

So many people have been such amazing an encouragement to me, but especially my pastor's wife. She lost a daughter and her words came from a heart healed by Christ. When I would pour my heart out to her, with tears in her eyes, she would say over and over, "God will be so faithful to you. He will be so faithful." And she's right, He has, and will be for the rest of my life. Even on the days when I turned my back to God and shook my fists He was right there showering me with love and grace. I praise His Holy Name. God, YOU reign.

And in the midst of acceptance came a wonderful surprise...... I'm pregnant again. :) Due mid February. If I were not to this place of acceptance I would not be able to feel so ready to have another baby. I am already so in love with baby #3 and I've only know I'm pregnant for 3 days. So I will pray for a healthy child, and perfect labor and delivery. I will hope for the best, and I shall not fear, or at least I will remember that God says not to fear and do my very best to obey.

This may be my last post for a while..... or maybe not. At the beginning I felt like I HAD to write, but that need has gradually decreased. I try to keep you all up to date with our life, and thank you all for reading. It means the world to me.

And so I'll end today with one more song.