Sunday, May 15, 2011
Today I HATE Satan. Some days the jealously monster rises up in me. I know (in my head) that we should not compare ourselves to other people (for me other stay-at-home moms who have many children or are pregnant, are amazing house keepers, and are a healthy weight, and have finished college). I know that our 'meter stick' is Christ. But sometimes Satan really wants to rub my nose in those things I am not. And he asks me if I REALLY believe God loves me. Lucifer lets himself in and curls up beside me. Whispering terrible whispers; "You are such a disappointment to God. Who could love one like you?You are too ugly, too outspoken, so lazy and useless. Doesn't God say that he protects the ones he loves??? God doesn't love you, Samantha, he wouldn't even save your son. He lets you wallow in this pain while the women he does love, abundantly have healthy babies. " Terrible whispers. And some days.... some moments.... like right now, I struggle to believe. But I will think on those things that are true. Truth will set me free of my unbelief.
7 Will the Lord cast off for ever?
And will he be favorable no more?
8 Is his mercy clean gone for ever?
Doth his promise fail for evermore?
9 Hath God forgotten to be gracious?
Hath he in anger shut up his tender mercies? Selah.
10 And I said, This is my infirmity:
but I will remember the years of the right hand of the Most High.
11 I will remember the works of the LORD,
surely I will remember thy wonders of old.
12 I will meditate also of all thy work,
and talk of thy doings.
13 Thy way, O God, is in the sanctuary:
who is so great a God as our God?
14 Thou art the God that doest wonders:
thou hast declared thy strength among the people.
15 Thou hast with thine arm redeemed thy people,
the sons of Jacob and Joseph. Selah.
God is an everlasting God and sees the length of time much differently than I. God loves even me. God does not reluctantly love me, but with the full force of a hurricane. He is the knight in shining armor to my damsel in distress. God loves me with a love that crosses all boundaries - space, time, resources - to get to me, where ever I am.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Today, AGAIN, I shopped for maternity clothes. I don't even know how it happened. I was online looking at dresses (I wanted to get a new one for mother's day) to see if it would be worth the trip to the mall. All of a sudden I was looking at stretchy pants and shirts with extra room in the breasts and belly. I was sitting there thinking, "I wonder if they have this in stock?" (looking at a pink number with a belted waist above the tummy). Suddenly I remembered I am NOT pregnant. At first I tried to rationalize, "I'm shopping for Jill (my pregnant friend)." I thought, "She'd like that." Then I got real with myself and was like "No you were not. She would really hate that. Get ahold of yourself, you are NOT pregnant." It is such a strange thing to be pregnant for almost 10 months, give birth, and NOT go home with a baby. My subconscious brain can't understand it. Almost 6 months out, and I still don't get it. I sure hope this is normal. Maybe it is normal for me, and that's all I can hope for.