Saturday, February 18, 2012

Waiting on Eden

   I don't remember how much I've filled everyone in with the last month or so but its been...... taxing. So full of self-doubt am I that its been hard to think straight. We are waiting on Eden. Waiting, waiting, waiting. On Monday I am scheduled to be induced. INDUCED. As in a Dr. will put chemicals into my body to FORCE it into labor. I feel heavy anxiety over my decision to be induced, but I also feel heavy anxiety over the idea of going past the 41 week mark. My nails have never looked worse (this is saying something because I have a LONG history of chewing them down to nothing), my hair is all out of whack and I'm not sleeping. I have searched and searched and looked and scanned every resource I can find for ways to get my body to go into labor on it's own (getting Eden in the right position, soften cervix naturally, ect.), but in reality.... only the baby and your body know when the time is right. If you are not teetering on the edge, nothing you do is going to put you into labor except strong pharmaceuticals.
    Knowing all this I have vacillated back and forth with "to induce or not to induce??". Do I just carry babies to 42 weeks? Is this what is best for Eden? or is getting her out in 2 days best? Is my mental steel tough enough to go another week or more? According to EVERY SINGLE ultrasound my placenta is beautiful, Eden is healthy, and my fluid levels are great. I do not have high blood pressure and only a tiny bit of swelling at the end of the day. So I'm about as healthy as can be for 41weeks pregnant. I want her to come on her own. I want to feel my body go into labor and cross into the labor void. I want to come out on the other side triumphant and gleaming and saying, "See? My body is NOT broken. See? My body isn't a baby killer!! See?? See??" But I am so very tired of fighting with my own self. I don't know what is best.
   Maybe that is just it. I don't know what's best. And what if I choose to wait another week.... and the unthinkable happens. What if Eden dies too? And what if it could be prevented by just allowing the good Doc to pump powerful drugs into my system and forcing Eden out? But what if the drugs are too much? What if suddenly Eden can't handle the drugs and they wheel me into a cold room, strap my arms down and cut Eden out of me? This anxiety is as powerful as any drug.
   Tonight I was driving home and talking with the Lord. I was shaking my head and being frustrated and saying, "God, I'm almost done asking you to bring on labor. I have almost given up that you will come through. I kinda don't believe that you want me to have a healing labor and I feel alone. Don't you care that I'm tired? Haven't I fought enough? Haven't I learned the lesson(s) you wanted me to learn?" And then 'You Deliver Me' by Selah came on the radio.

When I feel like I can't go on,
You deliver me.
When the road is winding and way too long,
You deliver me.
You deliver me.

Of course God was speaking to me right then. He was reassuring me that he is the great physician and he knows what is going on. He knows where I am and what I'm feeling. I still don't know what the best choice is for this labor.... but I know that God will be in the trenches with me. Protecting me and carrying me and giving me strength.

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