Thursday, December 2, 2010


I hope one day I will go to bed without feeling sad. I want to go to bed one night and not lay there with tears just on the brink. In the months just before Asher was born I would hold my huge, round tummy and smile and breath a sigh of contentment and joy. Now I find myself with my hands in the same position, but the tummy is empty and my heart is so full of sorrow that it leaks out into every other crevice of my body. 

I KNOW Asher is in heaven enjoying all of Gods amazing promises; but right now I want to know why I wasn't good enough to be his mom. What test didn't I pass?? How are you going to use my broken heart to your glory, God?? I love you, God. But right now, at 2:04 am, alone in my house with my thoughts, I just don't understand. 


  1. Oh but... you are His mommy. I can see my baby (I did not get the joy of seeing it before it went to heaven, I was going into my 4 month.)coming up to Asher and telling him that my mommy knows yours and we are going to have fun. God lets us look at our mommies and smile on them everyday!! Just because he is not on this earth, does not mean your won't good enough. It means you loved him enough to let him go. It don't feel like that now... joy will come and one day you can help someone else. I am praying for you. love you, hang in there!! Ellen

  2. You are his mom sam. you always will be. maybe God thought you are such a good mom that you would be able to love your baby, even though he is not able to be with you here on earth. we are praying for you sweet girl.

  3. Those questions are familiar to me. Even with knowing that God is loving, even with knowing that Asher (and my Josiah) are with him now, free from pain and sorrow, the questions, and the tears and the pain still come. In those moments, the pain is so sharp and steely it seems impossible to bear. I pray that when those moments come that they will not overwhelm you, but bring healing. There are things to be learned in those moments are sorrow so deep, and you know the Teacher. I know He holds you through those times.

    I wish I could say that I always felt that the lesson was worth the pain, but I'm human. I'm simply getting by and trusting that the Lord will somehow turn this heartache for good and for His glory. You know that death is not from the Lord, but that He will be your comfort and peace for the rest of your life here. There will be real joy again. Just wait for morning.
    Loving you, Nolan, Vera and Asher <3


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