I hope one day I will go to bed without feeling sad. I want to go to bed one night and not lay there with tears just on the brink. In the months just before Asher was born I would hold my huge, round tummy and smile and breath a sigh of contentment and joy. Now I find myself with my hands in the same position, but the tummy is empty and my heart is so full of sorrow that it leaks out into every other crevice of my body.
I KNOW Asher is in heaven enjoying all of Gods amazing promises; but right now I want to know why I wasn't good enough to be his mom. What test didn't I pass?? How are you going to use my broken heart to your glory, God?? I love you, God. But right now, at 2:04 am, alone in my house with my thoughts, I just don't understand.