Monday, December 6, 2010
Shaking
I'm angry and I feel hateful. I feel like my insides are gonna fly apart. No one has caused this. And I don't know where to direct my anger. I thought about going for a drive, but I'm afraid I might not have the best driving skills right now. I want to throw my dishes and smash the christmas tree. I wish I had a baseball bat and a metal trash can to bash. This isn't fair. I'm so angry I'm shaking and crying. I want to punch someone. I want to shake them. It feels like there is a ball of fire in my stomach. Its pure boiling rage. Don't tell me we can try again. Don't talk to me about God's goodness. Don't say it will all be fine. I don't want to hear about how time heals wounds. How dare you talk about how you can imagine. Don't expect me to put my clothes on or get out of bed or be nice or smile ever again. THIS IS NOT FAIR!!!!!!! I LOVE HIM!!! I ATE ALL THE RIGHT THINGS. I EXERCISED. I HAD ALL HIS CLOTHES WASHED!! THEY'RE ALL STILL IN MY ROOM. I'M DONE BEING BRAVE AND GOOD AND FINE AND OK. I'M DONE. I MIGHT CUSS. I might go sit in my car and scream at the top of my lungs. GO SIT ON SOMEONE ELSES PORCH, SATAN.
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Get a pillow, hit it. Hit it as hard as you possibly can. Everything you know you are mad at & everything you have no idea why or what you are mad at. Take it out by hitting the pillow. Give yourself 10 minuets, be as upset, mad, sad, terrified, whatever you want to be. Then stop, breath, count to 20, & do your best to count your blessings. You still have blessings. You still have your husband, your beautiful daughter, your family. You are still alive even when it may feel like you are dying. You are here, & I know you will get threw this. When you feel like you can't, hit a pillow.
ReplyDeleteRemember, only give yourself 10 minuets.
Love you Sam!
I love you Sam. What do you need?
ReplyDeletejunkyard car and sledgehammer. it has helped me. it has helped others. we love you.
ReplyDelete