Sitting in my birthing tub riding each surge of energy. Feeling God's pleasure as I allowed my body to do what He created it for. Letting my body work. Taking myself deeper into my soul. Closing my mind to the rest of the world and bringing my son into my arms. Laughing as I caught him emerging from my body and into the water. Lifting him from the water and up to my breast. Crying with joy as I rejoiced that I had brought my son safely out. Hearing his first cries. Breathing in his fresh smell. Looking into the teary eyes of my overwhelmed husband and presenting him with a son. Breathing a sigh of contentment and relief.
This is what I pictured those last moments to be like. Blissful. Full of life and the hope of all that potential. Disappointed does not even begin to describe how I felt when those last moments came and how I still feel every morning when I open my eyes and every night when I lay my head back down.
Back in the shower at the hospital I felt myself go through transition. It was painful, but by that time I had surrendered to the pain. I think it took about 30 mins or so. I began to shiver and tried to position my body so that more of the warm water would hit my back. I felt nauseous and a little light headed. I could really feel my body opening up and the more I surrendered the more intense the pain became and the more my body readied itself for Asher's passing. I could feel Asher's head right on my cervix and my body was beginning to push by itself. The pushing felt good. At this point I was so exhausted that I could barely sit on my chair. About an hour before I asked the nurse to run some fluids in my IV incase I decided that I wanted an epidural. She did and just before the end of transition I asked for the epidural. (Now I wish I hadn't, but at the time it was the right choice.) The nurse checked me before they administered the epidural and I was 8.5cm (Normally they do not give epidurals past 7cm, but no one argued with me.) The nurse helped me to the bed and the anesthesiologist came in right away. I had 2 or 3 more contractions while he was pouring meds into my spine. These were by far the most painful contractions I had. I guess because people were in my face and touching me I couldn't concentrate on letting go of the pain. And then my nurse checked me again and said I was almost 10cm. And I told her that my body was pushing weather I liked it or not. She went to get the Dr. and said to try not to push. But I didn't have any choice. It didn't matter anyway because Doc showed up within about 2mins. Like I said before my Dr. was a resident so the head Dr. came in too. He began instructing the resident on what to do. Everything had just gone numb, so I was only numb for pushing, but I needed that relief. My mom and Marla held my legs for me. Dad started to walk out, but I could tell he wanted to be there for everything. I told him he could stay. He took a few pictures of me giving birth, but mostly just stood by my head and cried. Plus I didn't feel like it was my body anymore. It only took about 10mins of pushing to get Asher out. The nurse asked if it was ok if they placed him on my chest and I told her yes. The Dr. lifted him out of me and onto my chest. I wrapped him with the towel and held his lifeless body and cried. Eventually I looked up at the Dr and asked if he could tell what had happened. He then lifted the cord so I could see it and said there was a true knot in the cord. It then occurred to me what happened. When he was still small enough to swim around in my uterus, he swam through a loop. Then when my water broke he moved down into the birth canal and pulled the knot tight. That was the end.
I chose Hallelujah for this post for 2 reasons. 1 the melody is haunting yet soothing and makes me feel very fluid. I would have liked to listen to this while in transition. And 2 I feel it is a song about broken dreams. About how good things could have been, but how it didn't turn out the way anyone wanted. It is a song about despair. Also, I love it.
Song #6 Hallelujah - Alison Crowe