Today I put myself out of the running for mother and wife of the year for sure. This morning at 4am Nolan passed out at work and was sent to the emergency room (he has influenza and bronchitis). He and other people tried to call all morning but I slept through it all. When he finally got home he was so mad at me because I had failed to put the phone back on the hook, therefor it was on the floor and I couldn't hear it ring. He was finally forced to call his parents for help. I'm sure he doesn't think he can rely on me. Then I worked an 8 hour shift instead of the original 3 hours planned and didn't call him. When I go home he wanted to know why I let him worry all day and didn't even think to call. And why I wasn't here all day to take care of him. Then I went to pick up Vera from my mom and dads (my dad watched her all day for me). When I got there I couldn't find the car-seat and dad said he thought mom took it with her too work by accident. So I decided to just buckle Vera in a regular seatbelt and go home. We're both fine but what if something had happened? "Well, I was tired and I just wanted to get home. I didn't think we'd get into an accident and she would go flying through the windshield. I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to happen!" I'm just asking for another dead child. Then Vera was playing with Nolan after we got home and she wouldn't leave him along and he started not to be able to breath. Well I didn't notice anything even though I was sitting 2 feet away and Nolan almost passed out again trying to get Vera to stop jumping on him. And the house was also a mess all day and there are 3 loads of laundry in baskets not folded, 3 loads of dirty laundry sitting around, and dirty dishes line the sink. I failed all day. I failed even when I was sleeping today. I really want to crawl into a small hole and have someone shovel dirt over the top of me and never come out.
I feel as if God is showing me why he didn't want to leave Asher with me. That I'm not responsible enough for another child. I can't even keep my house clean or help my husband when he's sick or make good judgement calls about illegal and dangerous situations involving Vera. I royally bombed today.
We ALL royally bomb. On a regular basis. We just don't talk about it openly. Ask me offline, and I can blow your socks off. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteThe wonderful thing about God's grace is that He knows we are going to mess up, He knows we aren't perfect, and He still loves us, forgives us, and desires only the best for us. Even at what we think is our worst moments. He desires of us is to keep getting back up, every time we are knocked down. Keep trying to come back to Him, even when we aren't sure that we want to or when we can't see his outstretched hand waiting to help us get up.
Any one of us could have had the same day. And we didn't lose a love of our life. This is not a "showing you that you were not capable of loving and caring for another". This has more to do with you being totally capable and loving, and you aren't able to be that for Asher because he isn't with you, and a woman's brain and heart can only take so much without skipping a beat. You are allowed to beat yourself up for a few moments, but you can't carry this kind of guilt with you, because it just isn't meant to be held on to for too long.
Love,
M
We all do stupid things i've done my share. I can remember a few time when the kids are screaming and i've had it.. i got home from the store and went to get my youngest out of the car seat and i forgot to buckle her in. Ya talk about making your self sick....what if what if we would of gotten hit what if i would of gooten pulled over...Sam your a great mother and wife things happen, we have all done it.
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