Sunday, February 6, 2011

Sporadic Thoughts and Confused Emotions

Today has been a roller-coaster of thoughts and emotions. I'm so uncertain about everything. One moment I believe everything is going to work out perfectly and all my dreams will be realized. Then next...well, I  can't believe that any decision I make will work to my advantage. I feel like I'm in a haze of confusion. I'm worried about school. I've worked hard to get to the clinical phase of things, but I'm halted by grades that aren't quiet good enough. I'm going to have to take some of the classes over and get A's instead of B's. I feel disappointed with myself. I've never NOT gotten into any school/program/club ect.. that I aimed to get into the first time. So many people said I'd never graduate college after I became pregnant with Vera in high school. And Nolan has worked for 3 years putting me through school at a horrid job. I desperately want to get him out of that place. I owe it to him to stop schlepping through school and get good grades and graduate, get a job. I want him to get back to his dreams that he put on hold for me.
Also we want to have more children, but if I'm going to work, I don't see how that's possible. I can't work full time and nurse a baby. I don't want to be away from my babies all day. I can't find a way to go to college, get a job, have children and get Nolan out of that horrible job.
I need a way to make money from home. Enough to support us. *Sigh.... What a crazy dream. This week I've been wondering if I just need to grow up and realize that people don't live like that. I just don't know what direction to turn.
And then lately Nolan and I have been discussing planting a garden this summer. I'd love to do that but it also scares me. It scares me that I'll fail. And I've already failed at so many things this last year that I don't think I could take one more thing. I know how to garden. I grew up doing it. My mom taught me everything she knows about gardening and she has a HUGE garden. There is no reason to think that I'd fail, but I just don't believe in myself anymore. I fail at keeping my house tidy. I fail at keeping the laundry done. I failed at school. I failed at....Asher... well... anyway, I've just failed too many things to keep thinking I'll succeed at something.
I want to try again. But I don't want to see the disappointment in the faces of the people I love.

Oh how did I end up here. I meant to talk about how there are changes available to our family and that I didn't know which door to walk through. Instead I've ended up giving myself a therapy session.
I also wanted to talk about how Vera has developed a strange stutter when she says the word "go". I have no idea how. And how I feel like she doesn't know enough of her alphabet. Or her numbers. She's got her colors down. And she's beginning to write and to recognize some words. But... Oh I just don't know. I used to be so sure of myself. So confident. So able.


  1. It's hard to learn that you aren't perfect, but we all have to someday. But what will make the woman you are/will be is whether you let that realization halt any future success. Does that mean everything you try will turn out perfect, no, but if you don't try then you did fail.

    I think a garden is a great will provide healthy food for your family. Does that mean that the potatoes will make it even if it rains for 13 days straight in May, no, but you don't control the rain. Does it mean that the bugs won't get to your tomatoes ruining the whole plant(s), no, but you don't control the bug population. It does mean that those few vegetables that do make it will make one AWESOME stew.

    Don't rob yourself or those around you joy in your success by the fear of failure. Everything won't always produce a perfect outcome, but if you don't try what will you miss out on?

    Praying for you Girlie!

  2. Samantha,
    I think you are saying that you are like every other momma in the world. Worried that we aren't perfect. Aren't the best, aren't good enough. I too like the idea of the garden. By the end of the summer the weeds have already taken over for me but I am still proud of the dinners that it provided, the canned food that is put up for next year and the "gifts" of food we have been able to share.
    Sometimes the reason our plans don't work out the way we hope (like with school) is that they are not our plans. My heart feels for you and cares for you deeply. I am glad that you are writing your heart and sharing it. I appreciate it. I miss hearing your laughter though so I guess I will have to get over my hate of the phone and pick it up. Love, Brandi


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