Some days, like today, I still feel pregnant. I can't understand why. My body and brain both tell me I'm not but I find myself still preparing to give birth emotionally. It's so strange, but it's true. I look up music to calm me during labor. I laugh and cry as I read birth stories from other mamas thinking how wonderful my birth will be; only to remember I'm not pregnant. It's as if my heart can't stop preparing for a baby to care for. I constantly feel as though I've left something important behind. I haven't really; Asher's let us behind.
I Haven't been out to his grave since the funeral. I want to go....... But I keep finding excuses not to; I'll cry too much/ the snow's too deep/ it's too muddy/ I have Vera with me and I want to go alone but I don't want anyone to know I'm out here by myself so I can't drop her off because I'll have to give a reason about why/where I'm going....... the list could go on forever. I wonder if maybe I'm just scared. Scared I'll feel too much. Scared I won't feel enough. Scared it will all turn out to be real. A real grave with Asher Benjamin Ritchie - November 12th engraved onto it.
Nolan picked one out with a vase attachment so I could bring flowers and leave them. The day they assigned Asher a burial spot we were looking around at the neighboring Babyland graves and my mom spotted one that was over 40 years old. Someone was still putting flowers on that grave. I will, every year until the day I die, put flowers on Asher's grave. Maybe one day 60 years from now some other mom will see some flowers on an old infant grave and know that she is not alone.