Sunday night I had a breakdown. Not a normal breakdown..... the kind where Nolan locked the guns up for fear I would take my own life. My dad asked me what caused this..... I told him I didn't really know. And I still don't. He said, "Well you had me fooled.... I thought you were doing really great." "I'm a pro pretender," I said. All I know is that everything felt out of control. I lost all hope for a second and I couldn't see the light. I think I told my mom that "Nothing will ever get better. I'm going to hurt forever." Right at that moment I really believed it. I don't feel that way, sitting here now. Utter loss of hope is a scary thing. The only hope I felt was that if I died, I would see Asher again. I was listening to the radio a few weeks ago and something Chris Fabry said struck me. He was talking about how his church was trying to decide what time to have their Easter Sunrise Service. He said that part of the church wanted to have it at 6:30 am which is the actual time for the sun to rise in his part of the country. However, the other half of the church wanted to wait till 6:40 because his town is behind the mountains. While the sun actually rises at 6:30, no one can see it behind the mountains until a few minutes later. He made the point that sometimes in life we are so close to the mountain that we can't see the sun/Son. That is how I felt on Sunday. Too close to the mountain to see the Son.
I have always been hard on people who have suicidal thoughts. How selfish, how ridiculous. But I was convinced that everyone around me would be just fine, if not better off, without me to worry about. I was convinced that the only way to beat this hurt was to take my life. I am finding out more and more how utterly, wretchedly human I am and how much I need a big God. A God who sees past the now, but sits in it with me anyway.
I am desperately trying to walk my talk. I have wondered so many times why would a good God make me a mother but not make me able to save my son. But God isn't just good. He is Holy and everlasting and perfect and able. His ways are not my ways. God is also mysterious. I once told Nolan that when people try to reconcile God's sovereignty with His choice to allow us free will that they strip God of his mystery. It must also hold true that trying to untangle God's goodness from His allowance of evil in this present world strips Him of His mystery. I fully believe we can know God, but we can never know everything about God. He is too infinite.
So please keep praying for me, for us. For Nolan to be strong and courageous as he deals not only with his own grief.... but with mine, apparently, as well. For me that I will accept Gods plan and be able to rejoice in it. For Vera that she'll not be warped by all the nutty-ness inside me.
Also, Nolan called a counselor who specializes in marriage and grief. We are going to see him tomorrow at 8a.m. Please pray that something he says will help us.