Saturday, April 9, 2011

Emptiness and Uselessness

Last night was bad. Last night I cried myself to sleep. I am so tired of going to bed only to lay there and fight the anger and sadness from the day. I'm sick of fighting this living nightmare. I prayed so often that God would never take any of my children before me. My love for them so hard and fierce and deep and wide that I truly thought I would need to put into a mental hospital were I ever to lay one beneath the sod. And now my grief is just as hard and fierce and deep and wide.
Last night I longed for someone to hold me. I almost called several people, but the only person I really wanted to be there was Nolan. And he's never home to calm my fears at night because of his job. A man told him 2 years ago that he needed to get a different job, a daytime job, "Because", he said, "Working nights will destroy your family. It destroyed mine." We work so hard to keep our marriage together. Every couple does, but our particular struggles have a lot to do with his schedule. I am finding that I need him more and more at night, yet find myself alone.
Last night was a night when my arms ached with emptiness and my breasts burned with uselessness. Those things that were so tiring and tedious with Vera (nighttime nursing/walking the floor with a grumpy baby/sleeplessness ect) now seem like a privilege. Gone now is the feeling that I will wake from this nightmare. I lived in a state of shock for about 3 months where at times I honestly thought I would wake up, and it would all be a bad dream. I don't live there now. I know Asher is never coming back. Never. Never. Never. I am just so tired of fighting the sadness. I'm sick of putting on a happy face everyday when all I want to do is get in bed and never get out again. I'm tired of this reality. I'm angry that I even have to fight this fight. I get irrationally angry when a polite stranger says, "How are you?" I want to scream back "I'M GREAT! I'M F-ING GREAT! MY SON IS DEAD. HE DIED INSIDE ME - BUT I'M GREAT!!!!!" But thats not a very Christian thing to do. So of course I never do. I spend my days extending grace to everyone around me when all I want to do is cuss and scream and act like a fool. Maybe I do need to be in a mental hospital.
Vera walks around the stores some days singing "My bay-bee dieee!!!! My bay-bee dieeee!!!!!" Passersby stare at us as if we are the Adams family. Some times I sing quietly along.

1 comment:

  1. Hello, My name is Jessica Karn, I am Harmony Hankels older sister.

    There is nothing I or anyone else can say that will make you feel better because there are no words. All there is, is pain and anger and frustration and dispare and disappointment and pity and sorrow. And all you want to do is yell and scream at God why? I know this because I have been there. That point where everything is black and gray and no colors show thru. I stayed in that hole for along time and still go back into around his birthday. My son Gavin would be 9 now, he was stillborn at 39 weeks and I almost died with him.
    I am not going to tell you that everything is going to be okay, (because honestly there is still a hole in my heart) but I will say with time it does get easier (I know your tired of hearing that). But from one mother to another, It does. I still think of my son everyday of my life and sometimes I still cry when I picture what he would like, but it does get easier I swear it does, it never goes away but it does get easier. I know you cant see that now, but I was there too.
    I wanted to come here and find the words to try to make you smile or ease your pain, but as I sat here thinking, I realized once again no one can. When I lost Gavin my pastor told me it was okay to be mad and angry at god because he knows are pain, he wants us to tell him how we feel no matter how harsh it is at that moment.
    I'm sorry if this isn't a happy bouncy comment that I am sure your friends and family have said to try and make you smile. But I hope at least now you know you are not alone that there is atleast one person that knows exactly how you feel and understands.


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